My sexless relationship with Filipina. What to do?

[Johnny1975]

Winston, guess what. I'm 39 and I haven't had sex in 9 years. I've only had 1 girlfriend and she had more red flags than China. And I live in the UK which is a shit hole with no culture, but I was born in a part of the world which is superior in every way to where I am now, and if I'd never come here I'm sure my life would have been different. There are things that I want in life but right now I can't have them. I have a lot to complain about, and I think I'm entitled to do so.

There are two ways that I could deal with that. I could dedicate my life to desperately trying to make up for what I've missed out on so far, obsessively fixating on trying to feel better, with no regard to anything else.

Or, I could try to be as balanced as possible. This means making sure I'm worthy of the things that I want, and making sure I don't become one of those one dimensional people with only one thing on their mind all the time, at the expense of other important things.

I've chosen the second option. I'm trying to make money from my writing, which right now I'm finding extremely hard because I'm on my own and I have no one to help me. But when I figure it out, I'm going to get the hell out of here and go to a nicer country with real culture and real women. Then, I'm going to date lots of women but I'm not going to become obsessed. I'm going to satisfy my sense of having missed out, but once that's out of my system i'm going to find 1 woman to stick with. I'm going to take my time and choose one that is compatible with me. If I feel like having some more on the side I'll do that, but I won't go crazy with it, and I'll be honest about it to my main girl.

What I mean is that I'm not going to let the fact that I've missed out rule my life. I'm going to try to make wise decisions.

Sometimes, when someone discovers a solution to their problem, like dating, they go crazy. It seems like all you want to do is be a playboy forever. You're letting all those years of missing out rule your life. It's like someone who is deprived of food suddenly finds food, and then all they want to do is eat forever. You've discovered the wonders of women in all these countries, you've had a taste of the good times, and now you're hooked. That's not balance. Maybe you're trying to prove something to yourself, maybe you're trying to erase something.

Obviously you're welcome to criticize my criticism, but first, ask yourself, do I have a point? Or am I talking complete nonsense?

"My son may want me around, but he doesn't obey my commands and he won't allow me to take him to school. So much for respect. He watches trashy TV shows and has no taste either."

I used to be a bit disrespectful to my dad when I was younger. Not because I wanted to, but because he wasn't there and it made me angry and I wanted to make a point in the only way I knew how. By the way when I say he wasn't there, he was there physically, but when he was, he may as well have not been. Imagine how your son must feel with you not being around much at all, and he probably senses that he's not a priority. If I was your son I would be seriously disrespecting you. Kids don't act weird or stupid for no reason. You get what you put in.

[davewe]

MarcosZeitola,
You are making a big logic fallacy in assuming that I'm like you.

MZ - You should get on your knees (do it now!), kiss the ground you walk on, and thank God or whatever you believe in, that this is true! You are not like Winston

[Seeker]

People here are being WAY too nice to Winston about his decision to abandon his child, except for some measly financial support. Lots of men abandon their children but what stands out about Winston is his attempt to justify it as he's been trying to for the last few years. There doesn't seem to slightest amount of guilt at what he's done.

Marcos, smallcheese you gave some great advice, but Winston will continue to chase his base desires while failing miserably even at that.

[Winston]

MarcosZeitola,
Have you lost your marbles? You are dodging many of my questions. And you are not being realistic.

Why do you expect me to do something I don't want to do just because you or society says so? If my heart isn't in it, why should I force myself to do it?

Why should I go live in the Philippines again if I don't want to? Why should I stay with a girl I have no love or attraction for? WTF are you smoking?!

If I quit my China trip and go back now, Rock and Ethan_sg will ask me "WTF are you doing Winston?" and I'll tell them, "I'm going back to be with Dianne and Angelo because MarcosZeitola GUILT TRIPPED me into going back."

What will they think of that? Ask them. You can even ask Momopi, our practical Taiwanese advisor here, if that would be a good idea.

Furthermore, if I go back to Philippines and realize it was a mistake, then I will have to buy another ticket back to China and go through the hassle again. Then I will blame you for it.

Also you're not offering me anything Marcos. Me going back to be a father and living in the Philippines, brings nothing for me. I'm into Chinese women now. So that's my goal and objective. Why is that over your head? You seem so narrow and you don't LISTEN to anything I say! You're essentially asking me to FORCE myself to do something I don't want to do. Is that wise or even possible? THINK man!

One more thing. I'm getting old now and I need to get married ASAP. My China trip is three years later because God kept blocking me since 2012 which f***ing PISSES ME OFF like you won't believe! f**k man! Every day I look up and curse the heavens because of it! I'm not even living in 2015 in fact. I am still living in 2012 because my life and my time did not move on from there cause an invisible hand thwarted my plans. Do you know how pathetic that is?!

Anyhow, I already realized that I'm not suited or meant to marry a Filipina. Best to marry a Chinese. So I am in a rush to get married now. That's an important factor here. Did you ever consider that? NO YOU DIDN'T! You are totally INCONSIDERATE of everything I say and my needs. Doesn't that make you an a-hole MarcosZeitola???!!!

[davewe]

Your thread title: My sexless relationship with Filipino. What to do?

People post advice & actions to follow. You proceed to ignore them.

Winston, you're so stuck in your ways that you only see what you want to see. Good advice is filtered by your ego, and 4 pages in, have you actually done anything to improve your situation?

+1

I do agree that the thread has gone a bit off track, despite a lot of very good advise. If Winston chooses to not have a relationship with the mother of his child, that is his right. Even had they married we know that the divorce rate is such that many very good men end up as divorced wretches. If that is the case he should assist in financially supporting his child (which he says he is doing). Frankly this is not too difficult in the Philippines, a country where $200/month can completely change a woman's lifestyle.

But in addition to cash, he should certainly make some plan to see his son periodically and maintain some kind of relationship with him. Criticizing a 7 year old for bad taste is nuts; the kid's only bad taste was in choosing his parents

But Winston - the problem with this thread was in your original question. You didn't ask how to maintain a relationship with your son. You wrote a thread entitled "My sexless relationship..." posted a somewhat nasty letter you wrote Diane and asked for input. The pointedly critical input you got was based on that.

You aren't obligated to marry Diane, move back to the Philippines and pretend to be happy. But you do have to make better decisions regarding your son and take some kind of responsibility. Criticizing Diane because you don't find her attractive anymore is not the answer.

[Winston]

Your thread title: My sexless relationship with Filipino. What to do?

People post advice & actions to follow. You proceed to ignore them.

Winston, you're so stuck in your ways that you only see what you want to see. Good advice is filtered by your ego, and 4 pages in, have you actually done anything to improve your situation?

There is good advice and bad advice. Asking for suggestions does not mean that I am obligated to agree with all suggestions and not disagree with them. Your expectation is unreasonable and illogical.

Also, this thread is about my sexless relationship with Dianne, not about Angelo. So it has strayed off topic.

Also, please stop posting something and then deleting it with the words "delete" in the post. It makes the thread look weird and it makes you look mentally unstable.

[zboy1]

The most important thing to take away from this thread is...don't have a child with someone you're not married to--or love--otherwise, the child will grow up without a father. Please--all the men on the forum should take note! You see how effed-up the Black community is in the USA, due to African American children growing up with fathers; bad things happen to children who grow up without a strong father-figure in their life. Also, the women ends up screwed, because she's forever burdened as being 'used-up goods,' shall we say, which makes her life very difficult

At least have the common sense to use a condom before bedding a women.

[steezyy]

Your thread title: My sexless relationship with Filipino. What to do?

People post advice & actions to follow. You proceed to ignore them.

Winston, you're so stuck in your ways that you only see what you want to see. Good advice is filtered by your ego, and 4 pages in, have you actually done anything to improve your situation?

There is good advice and bad advice. Asking for suggestions does not mean that I am obligated to agree with all suggestions and not disagree with them. Your expectation is unreasonable and illogical.

Also, please stop posting something and then deleting it with the words "delete" in the post. It makes the thread look weird and it makes you look mentally unstable.

Thanks for proving my point. Your ego filters advice into "good" and "bad" advice, which is basically just advice you want to hear vs advice you do not (aka the hard truth).

Marco has already said everything that needs to be said. By the way Winston, you're a deadbeat dad. Reality check.

[MrMan]

Winston wrote,

Yet in spite of 300 years of wrongdoings toward the Indians and others, America went on to become the richest and most powerful nation in the world by the end of the 19th Century and now is the leader of the world in power, technology and influence. So no, sorry, no karmic retribution there. Your theory of "delayed karmic retribution" is just a copout. Sorry but the universe isn't fair or just. Your morality may be just an illusion for the masses.

I believe in sowing and reaping. I don't call it karma. I believe God judges. Sometimes people suffer for their own sins in this lifetime, but there is also a day of judgment after lifetime is over. As far as the judgment of nations go, that can take a while. God did not give Abraham's family the promised land yet. His descendants would be enslaved four generations first, because the cup of the Amorites was not yet full. I take that to mean the Amorites wickedness hadn't reached a level that allowed for their judgment. Maybe the other Canaanite groups had. They were pretty sick and wicked, but Israel would get the Amorites land as well. It took over 400 years for Abraham's descendants to return and conquer the Amorites and other people-groups there. The first English colonies were just barely over 400 years ago.

My son may want me around, but he doesn't obey my commands and he won't allow me to take him to school. So much for respect. He watches trashy TV shows and has no taste either.

A father has to teach his children to obey, and it's an ongoing daily process. Seven-year-olds don't just automatically obey. You have to teach and discipline, preferably before they reach 7-years-old. I can get my 3-year-old to obey me. I had a Japanese friend who was trying to be all alpha with his wife. He seemed kind of domineering in some ways. His one-year-old son didn't obey his every word, of course. He was so little, and energetic like boys are. I told my now seven-year-old girl, back when she was about 4, to do something, and she obeyed me, and he said, "Wow, she does what you say." You have to teach them to obey. Sometimes you have to insist. It's not like dealing with regular adults we meet where we respect their wishes and let them do what they want.

As far as the trashy TV shows go, it's the parents job to say, "That show is trashy. You can't watch it." I wouldn't let my kids watch an episode of Family Guy, for example. It's too trashy.

You also seem to be under the fallacy that a son's life is ALWAYS more important and worth more than his father's. That makes no sense. Look at the greatest men in history. In every case, their children did NOT go on to do the same great things or even unique things, that their fathers did. You can say this about any great man in history, such as Benjamin Franklin for example. Or Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Leonardo Da Vinci, Nikola Tesla, Buddha, etc. Most of them had sons who became ordinary men.

What did their daddies do that was so great? I think we also have a case of unnotable fathers having notable sons. Benjamin Franklin's son was a governor. I think it was New Jersey. He was on the loyalists side. At least he was well-known and had an important job. His daddy helped him get the job.

It doesn't matter who is famous. It is a father's job to raise his children, do good for them, and sacrifice for them as necessary.

Btw, I don't think you are doomed to never marry or have a divorce. But I certainly believe you need 'metanoia'-- repentance, a change of how you think and of what's in your heart.

As far as this woman goes, apparently you had enough interest in her to have enough sex to produce a child. If I had slept around and had a 'baby momma' who wasn't married who I thought wouldn't have as much sexual passion as I'd want, I might try the rational approach of telling her I might marry her if she'd go the extra mile and make the effort to be passionate about sex and do it X times a week (or day or whatever). I don't really know Filippinas about this, but some of them might be okay with the idea of negotiating terms for a practical marriage (as opposed to it being only all about 'being in love' like some American girls.) Maybe she doesn't float your boat and you aren't interested. It would probably be better if you had feelings for each other if you were wanting to get married.

But going into a marriage thinking if you don't get quite what you want, that you'll go to hookers or girlfriends would be a way to really destroy a marriage.

Something else to keep in mind is that with each passing year, those glands in your shorts produce less and less testosterone. Gradually the sex drive dies down. You are getting older, not younger. When you get old, if you end up not being able to change your own depends, it's good to have family to look after you. If you spend a life chasing prostitutes and girlfriends that you don't marry, you aren't building those family relationships. For the sake of your business, if you married and had a strong family, it could be good for your 'branding' for your online presence for the wholesome aspects of it that cater to men who are looking for good traditional wives.

One thing conversations like this remind me of--for the sake of readers who are considering their life choices-- is that sex is to be had in the context of marriage. Sex is how kids get here. And kids being raised without fathers in the home isn't best for them. I can understand why going to new and different women might be appealing. But as a married man with a good marriage, my sex life probably beats the sex life of most men who do that. I've been married over 15 years, and I've probably had sex a couple of thousand times with my wife, especially if you count sexual activities in a broader sense. Measured that way, I probably broke the 500 times mark in the second year of marriage. I don't have to worry about a husband or boyfriend coming home and fighting with me, guilt, kids tracking me down and telling me I am their daddy after 20 years, or STDs. I've got someone to share my life with an help raise my kids, and we take care of each other. Her cooking is amazing. It's just a good deal all around for a man in a good marriage.

[MrMan]

This thread reminds me of this church service I went to. There was a father and son who both spoke that Sunday and shared their testimony. Both were preachers. The father, before he was a Christian, had divorced and remarried and had just had little or nothing to do with his child from his first marriage. Years later, after he became a Christian, he reached out to his young adult son, who also became a Christian. The father became a preacher, and the son was a youth pastor.

The son, in his early 20's and married with little kids, told of his own background. At one point during his testimony, he talked about how as a child he thought he wasn't worth much because his own father didn't want to have anything to do with him. His father was on the stage next to him, and I could tell the man was really holding in the tears. That was really hard for him to hear, I'm sure. His son hadn't said it in spite towards his dad. They had a good relationship that had healed after his father's mistakes.

But just imagine if you have a child you don't raise, and then you get older and wiser and it hits you how bad what you did was, and you can't get those years back and spend them with your children.

Time with your children is precious. If you men don't spend time with your children, there are things they just may not get in their childhood because they need their dads to teach them.

I know some divorced dads do their best, but dad being removed from the home makes it hard for fathers to offer firm boundaries for the kids, which makes it harder for them to learn empathy and other aspects that good, reasonable discipline offers the kids. The dad ends up taking them to play, doing fun stuff and being the 'good guy' without offering the boundaries and discipline to the extent he could if the family were intact. So it's a good idea for men to be selective in finding wives with good, noble character who value marriage, and not to do anything to blow up their own marriages. It's also important not to have sex outside of marriage or to donate to sperm banks, things that produce children without their dads in their lives.

[smallcheese]

Why should I go live in the Philippines again if I don't want to? Why should I stay with a girl I have no love or attraction for? WTF are you smoking?!

You don't have to stay with Dianne. For all I care you get a house across the street, and you have Angelo live with you a few times a week, or in weekends. Or you visit every couple of days. That would be enough. You can see as many cheap whores as you want on the side to keep your hedonistic desires satisfied, and you can even convince your Chinese lady to come with you for all I care. I never said you had to live with Dianne. Just that you cannot just abandon your son and expect people here to still think you're a good person.

Also you're not offering me anything Marcos. Me going back to be a father and living in the Philippines, brings nothing for me. I'm into Chinese women now. So that's my goal and objective. Why is that over your head? You seem so narrow and you don't LISTEN to anything I say! You're essentially asking me to FORCE myself to do something I don't want to do. Is that wise or even possible? THINK man!

Given Winston's past history, his current thinking and his replies on this thread alone, I think the best solution for all parties involved (Winston, Dianne, Angelo) is for Winston to provide financial support for his son until he graduates from college and Winston agrees to never see or speak to his son again. I know Marcos, you and others might disagree with me, but think about it. What kind of a role model would Winston be as a father???

Can you imagine in the near future a father-son conversation like this? I can.

Winston (in his 50s now): "Hey dude, let's go down to Fields Avenue tonight, drink some beers and hook up with some bar girls. I'm feeling horny and I need to satisfy my wanton lust and sexual needs."
Angelo: "I don't know Dad. I think bar girls are just playing with you to get your money."
Winston: "Nah, you're wrong! They genuinely like me for who I am. Look at these pictures and let me explain....."

Later, after 2 hours of non-stop whining and pontification
Angelo: "Hmmm, still not sure Dad. And besides, what about Mom?"
Winston: "F****k her!! I haven't done that since you were a toddler and I'm not about to start now. I need someone I'm sexually attracted to!! WTF is wrong with you?? Don't you get it son?"

I think Angelo would be much better off if he had a better role model as a father. I'm sure Dianne is teaching him how not to be like his biological father. Maybe Dianne has someone in her family who would serve as a good role model. Or maybe once Dianne realizes that Winston will never come back to her, she will finally move on with her life and find the good man that she deserves.

Mark my words, this is a promise to you: you may get married but it will not last.

+100 I'm not even sure Winston will find a woman in China to marry him. But who knows? It's a big country.

One more thing. I'm getting old now and I need to get married ASAP. My China trip is three years later because God kept blocking me since 2012 which f***ing PISSES ME OFF like you won't believe! f**k man! Every day I look up and curse the heavens because of it! I'm not even living in 2015 in fact. I am still living in 2012 because my life and my time did not move on from there cause an invisible hand thwarted my plans. Do you know how pathetic that is?!

Anyhow, I already realized that I'm not suited or meant to marry a Filipina. Best to marry a Chinese. So I am in a rush to get married now.

"I'm getting old now and I need to get married ASAP." "So I am in a rush to get married now." Hmmm, seems to me that Winston is in some sort of mid-life crisis. I'm not sure he realizes what being married really entails. This rush to action has gotten Winston in trouble before.

Based on what I've read here on this forum, one of the reasons why Winston impregnated Dianne was because he thought he was running out of time to have a child. So he thought to himself, why not get Dianne pregnant? That kind of thinking, without serious contemplating the future and the consequences of his actions on Dianne, his child or himself, is what got Winston in this mess to begin with. And now he's in a rush to get married?

Are there any women reading this thread? I am curious to know what any of you think about all of this. Let's pretend the original poster is not Winston Wu but someone named WW. If you read WW's original post and all of the subsequent replies, do you think you could marry a man like WW? Would you want WW as the father of your future children? A simple Yes or No answer would suffice.

[smallcheese]

I found this on a thread from 7 years ago: viewtopic.php?t=4044

It was advice that Winston's father gave to him regarding Winston's dilemma with what to do with Dianne. Words of wisdom that still applies today.

Here's my dad's response:

"I don't know what to tell you. The bottom line is you are not ready for a serious commitment yet. If you knew yourself better, you should not have unprotected sex and have Dianne pregnant. Then you can have all the fantasy and fun time as you want. But, you can have this kind of life style for some period of time. Up to some point, you have to come back to the real world, taking some responsibility, plan your future, and settle down to a real world. Life is not all about fun. You have responsibility to your own life, life of the people who love you and life of those people you love.

Whatever you do, think about Angelo too. He is innocent. You brought him to this world. You have to give him a good home to grow up, not just provide him with food.

If you want my suggestion, move away from there, to other country. You should not feel regret about not having all the hot girls in that town. You have already had good time with so many girls in Philippines, in Russia. Other people just have one for whole life and live a happy life with no regret. Look around the other human being in the world, now and pass. People feel happy not because how many hot girls they have sex with. They are happy because they feel free from worrying. They are happy because their love ones are happy too.

Good luck, love,
Dad

So how did the apple fall so very very far from the tree?

[Winston]

MarcosZeitola,
You still have not answered my questions and points in the post below. Did you forget?

"MarcosZeitola,
You are making a big logic fallacy in assuming that I'm like you. I'm not. Your whole post was based on that false assumption. The truth is, I simply don't care about raising kids. I mean I do a little, but it's not a big priority to me. And no, it's not something I'll regret. In my old age, I will regret not loving enough women or not loving better women or not going to better countries where I might have gotten better romance and love, etc. That's what I regret now in fact. So no, I'm not like you. My regrets are different than yours too. In old age, we will all regret many things, not just being a father. That's how life is. Even now, I can think of hundreds of things I regret. So your warning doesn't make any sense.

And yes, I am like a Buddha, in that I'm trying to wake up and enlighten people to get out of the US matrix. Duh. Didn't you know that? Have you been to the US? Go to any US city or suburb and you will see depressed men everywhere with hopeless faces, like they have nothing to live for. Don't you want to help those men? That's my calling. So yes, I am similar to Buddha in that I'm trying to wake people up, not just to life outside the US Matrix, but to exposing materialism and liberalism and bullshit lies as well.

Karmic retribution does not always happen. America has been doing bad things to Indians since the 1600's. So it wronged them for 300 years. That's a long time. Yet in spite of 300 years of wrongdoings toward the Indians and others, America went on to become the richest and most powerful nation in the world by the end of the 19th Century and now is the leader of the world in power, technology and influence. So no, sorry, no karmic retribution there. Your theory of "delayed karmic retribution" is just a copout. Sorry but the universe isn't fair or just. Your morality may be just an illusion for the masses.

I'm just trying to make you think outside the box because you are thinking in absolutes.

My son may want me around, but he doesn't obey my commands and he won't allow me to take him to school. So much for respect. He watches trashy TV shows and has no taste either.

You also seem to be under the fallacy that a son's life is ALWAYS more important and worth more than his father's. That makes no sense. Look at the greatest men in history. In every case, their children did NOT go on to do the same great things or even unique things, that their fathers did. You can say this about any great man in history, such as Benjamin Franklin for example. Or Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Leonardo Da Vinci, Nikola Tesla, Buddha, etc. Most of them had sons who became ordinary men.

So no, it is not true that the son's life is always worth more than the father's. Think about it. You seem to believe everything society tells you."

[Winston]

MarcosZeitola,
You keep repeating the same useless drivel. You are also demonstrating that you are not wise but overly opinionated. This is why I did not want to make you moderator before. You have too many biases and are too opinionated to be an impartial objective judge. Thus you would not make a good moderator. It turns out I was right.

You are also not wise. A wise person does not repeat the same irrelevant drivel and expect to get different results. Or use ad hominem attacks on someone whom you are supposed to be trying to help. You don't accept me for what I am and what I want, so you keep trying to change me, and you assume that I can be like you. All of this is false. A wise rational person would see this, but you are not.

A wise person would also not expect a father to stay if he doesn't want to stay. Even Western wisdom considers that to be a bad idea and an unrealistic one.

Bottom line is that you are NOT helping me achieve my goals and objectives in any way. You are not even addressing the topic of this thread, which is what to do about the relationship with Dianne. The topic of this thread is not about Angelo. You are so opinionated that you don't see that and you can't even stay on topic.

If this were a company and you worked for me, you'd be FIRED for not doing your job of helping the company reach its goals.

You are not on my side. Why do you even care so much about a child you don't know and have nothing to do with? There are millions of children in this world you could care about. Why are you so fixated on my son? Are you weird? You are not logical at all. Why don't you go out and feed a random kid on the street if you care so much about all kids?

This is not a just world. And God is not just. You thinking that God is just makes you delusional. All evidence contradicts that. I gave many examples already.

What do you expect me to do? Quit my China trip now and go back to Philippines? You didn't even suggest something like "Go back to Philippines after spending a few months in China" or "Go to China for 1 or 2 months at a time, then visit your son for 1 or 2 months at a time" or something more reasonable like that which would involve a compromise. Why not? Is it because you are not a reasonable man? lol

Lots of people have been telling me to go to China for years. Why should I listen to you and disappoint everyone here? You do not have any credibility in my eyes. You are not a close friend. Why should I give your opinions any weight? You are just a dude, one of many out there. Your opinion is like just another a-hole, everyone has one.

What do you propose I do about my dating life and love life? Go back to Philippines and limit my dating life to Filipinas? Why?

Smallcheese,
WTF man? I thought you were on my side and trying to help me in China. Now you are blasting me in this thread? What do you suggest I do? Quit China and go back to Philippines against my will? You seem to be double faced here.

[Winston]

MarcosZeitola, one more thing. You misunderstood me when you said this:

So what? You aren't going back because to take care of your only child because you are afraid your friends might not understand? What sort of spineless p***y behavior is that? If I am guilt tripping you, though, that means you at least are aware that what you are doing is immoral, and you are capable of feeling guilty over it. That means you aren't a sociopath, which is a good thing.

I did not say you were guilt tripping me or causing me to feel any guilt. I said I do NOT like your attempt to MANIPULATE me by trying to guilt trip me. I hate manipulation tactics, and I do not appreciate your attempt at it. You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine.

I am not a sociopath. I do have feelings and a moral conscience. I do not steal, lie or murder, for example. But I do not love children equal to myself or greater than myself. My heart and emotions are big on romantic love only. Not on fatherly love or nurturing love. I am not a nurturer type. Male lions and males of most animal species are not either. That's just the truth. Sorry if you don't like it. But I'm just being honest. Why should I lie to you and tell you that I love children equal to myself or more than myself? I don't like to lie.