Standing up for yourself against a Vietnamese family

DanielleNguyen · Post by **DanielleNguyen** » February 18th, 2014, 9:45 am

So most people who have read my posts already know I am a white American female. No I am not fat. I am 120lbs and pregnant. (explains the extra weight) Anyway, I married into a Vietnamese family in June. I guess it was a bit of a crazy jump. See face to face I had only known the guy for three days. Then he flew back home where we continued a long distance relationship for a few months. When he came back to see me we decided to tie the knot. I wasn't going to originally. But he insisted and well when you know you just know. In June will be our one year anniversary.(from our wedding, we've been a couple for almost two years) Our first child turns one next month. The second one is due in October.
Recently, we flew back to his home and well I was obviously public enemy number one. Everything and I mean everything about me pissed someone off. The way things were turned around on me was just horrible. I mean most people see me as easy going, loveable, and fun. I mean I donate $60 to Childfund international every month to support two girls in Vietnam. However, how his family talks about me you think I was Satan reborn. For two weeks his mother kept bringing up what a horrible wife and mother I was. Then she was mad because I wouldn't eat their cultures foods. I am sorry but I have a shellfish allergy and I don't like raw fish or your wantons. Yes I did try her wantons, to be fair. While there, the food when I did try to eat it made me sick and I would throw up. My husband was always there when I got sick. I think he felt bad for me. His mother, however, I don't believe you are throwing up next time I want to see it. Later, I started running a fever and had a sinus infection, however, no rest for me.I had to do anything and everything to try to impress his family. However, anything and everything was turned around to make me look bad. Oh, her husband is carrying the car seat, she's so lazy. Um, no my husband is carrying it because I am pregnant and he wanted to be nice to me. So needless to say, after all the complaining I started carrying the car seat with my one year old inside. Oh, no her husband is holding their son while she plays with the dog. Um, no I was trying to get to know everyone and Fido here didn't want to get off my legs he was crushing. I asked her to make wonton soup and she can't even do that. Her husband must starve at home. Well, excuse me, but I am American. I make food that is common in America like meatloaf, potato soup and chicken and dumplings. My wonton soup may have been horrible but at least I tried. Also, I never realized how differently my husband and I were raised. To say he was spoiled was a understatement. In Vietnam his mom had servants. His grandma was a monk. So come new Years we visited her home also called the temple. She didn't speak any English but I still did my best to give her the tea ceremony and a wish. However, his mother still treated me like a piece of dirt pretty much. I mean you know they don't like you when they hold up silverware and say this is a dinner fork and this is a dessert fork. Hey pour your soda into a glass and drink it. Don't drink from the bottle geez. Treat it like a wine. Then they took us out to eat. My husband warned me this could easily get up to $1000 as it is around $30 a plate of sushi easily. It was a nice restaurant with Valet parking, something I had never seen before. However, at the restaurant as I looked at the menu I realized everything was raw. As I asked the waiter if he knew what I could have he pointed to something on the menu and I ordered it. It came back as fairly raw beef. I couldn't eat it. It was still pink. My husband's cousin quickly said, "she'll eat it and ordered me something I could eat special order. After returning home I had to listen to a one hour speech on what a embarrassing daughter in law I was, how I would never be accepted, and so on and so forth. Finally, in the end I stood up for myself. I decided I would never come back to meet this family again and neither would my children. I am who I am. And I love being me. My husband and my son love me and that's all that should matter. If my husband wanted a proper lady, a Vietnamese lady he wouldn't have married me.

Bao3niang · Post by **Bao3niang** » February 18th, 2014, 5:08 pm

Same thing with traditional Chinese in-laws. As a person who hates and sucks at being a diplomat when it comes to these sorts of issues, I just wish the law weren't in place so much regarding in-laws so I could use something I call TACTICAL ELIMINATION. Or seriously just send them to a Scandinavian country which has the best social security in the world.

If they like more of an adventurous lifestyle, maybe persuade them to go to Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Somalia, etc...... HAHAHA the beautiful sound of 12.7 millimeter bullets ripping through the air as you sip your coffee.....

Bao3niang · Post by **Bao3niang** » February 18th, 2014, 5:13 pm

Danielle is your husband a traditional collectivist Vietnamese or does he belong in the reformed/free Asian category like Winston, zboy1, Falcon, me etc?

GRMMM in-law issues.... Tell them to get a life, or get your husband to tell them to get a life...... How old are they? If they are still fairly young they should have hobbies or a job.

Kena axe and chop them lah!

zboy1 · Post by **zboy1** » February 19th, 2014, 2:06 am

Danielle, stay strong! All that matters is that your husband and child loves you; everything else is secondary. ...

Asian in-laws can be a nightmare! It's not only foreigners that marry Asians that suffer; it's Asian's as well, so don't feel like your somehow being singled out, hahahaha....It happens to most Asian couples, to be honest. ...

E Irizarry R&B Singer · February 19th, 2014, 4:25 am

zboy1 wrote:Danielle, stay strong! All that matters is that your husband and child loves you; everything else is secondary. ...

Asian in-laws can be a nightmare! It's not only foreigners that marry Asians that suffer; it's Asian's as well, so don't feel like your somehow being singled out, hahahaha....It happens to most Asian couples, to be honest. ...

Danielle, you are White-as-hell that's why you cannot eat spicy or even exotic food. However, I like how you are trying to be a good wife to your husband. His mother is hard on you because she wants to see a woman be a wife to her son, whom is your husband. That's a serious matter to some families. Mom seems like she has a strong disdain for pompous Americans so I can kind of get her disposition: she won't accept you don't like her food. Try doing that with a Latino family, the grand ma would throw chancletas at you for not eating her comida/dinner. I have seen it happen. You never say no to ethnic family cooking. That s.hit is better than dumplings and potatoes (bland food) that you eat.

But on the contrary, appease your husband and submit to him. That's the only way this will work out; your kids will need you two functionally together and happy. Work on that please.

Devil Dog · Post by **Devil Dog** » February 19th, 2014, 7:07 am

Sushi, car seats, valet parking, $1000 dinner bill?

Vietnam?

Bao3niang · Post by **Bao3niang** » February 19th, 2014, 6:24 pm

4 things in my book:

(A) ALWAYS be cautious of a girl or guy overly attached to his/her's family

(B) ALWAYS make sure that his / her's parents and relatives are self-sufficient or if they are retired, can afford the retirement costs themselves

(C) Man shall leave her parents and cleave to his wife. A woman shall leave her family and cleave to her husband. (Book of Genesis) This sums up 1 and 2.

(D) Make sure she is still educated to a degree, so you will have things in common with her and you can talk more easily.

Renata · Post by **Renata** » February 21st, 2014, 2:38 pm

My mother in law is critical too, it's just their thing, maybe they feel like they've lost thier sons to us. After raising them into these fine men we just swoop in & take over

Just keep cool, don't entertain arguments, don't try to please, just be'. At least yor in-laws know where you're from lol, my husband told them I was from Trinidad, they still don't know where that is

Teal Lantern · Post by **Teal Lantern** » February 21st, 2014, 7:37 pm

Standing up is the husband's job.
http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/03/13 ... er-in-law/
--and--
http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/05/11 ... eadership/

momopi · Post by **momopi** » February 24th, 2014, 12:04 pm

Monks are men, nuns are women.

Due to Vietnam's geography, getting away from fish and shellfish may be difficult. As last resort, you can claim that you're vegetarian.

Conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has existed before recorded history. Nothing you say or do will change this, especially if relations were bad to begin with and resulted in a repeating vicious cycle.

Bao3niang · Post by **Bao3niang** » February 26th, 2014, 7:08 pm

I wonder how us NCAs (non-conformist Asians) will be like as in-laws..... As for me, I don't like other people controlling my life and shit, so I try to intervene as little as possible. I'm a typical ISFP personality type that absolutely hates being tied up.

I do admit I have a tendency to be outspoken about what I consider to be stupidity / conformity.

polya · Post by **polya** » February 27th, 2014, 11:04 am

.........

starchild5 · Post by **starchild5** » February 28th, 2014, 8:37 am

I'm Asian and western culture is totally alien to most Asian countries.....Equality...

DO not ...Do not try to fix things up or try to make it better....by being nice....It will never be...They will never change the attitude towards you and you will drain your energy trying to be nicer...

It works like this ...They will either like you or never...There is no growing up, getting to know each other thingy like in the west...

Just do your thing..Move on...You don't need to prove it to anyone who don't get you...If they are bad..be bad ass...Just MOVE ON....

DanielleNguyen · Post by **DanielleNguyen** » March 21st, 2014, 2:36 pm

thanks I realized that recently