Seeker wrote:Winston I don't find anything of what you said there mysterious or surprising. Groups, particularly groups of males tend to pick out someone who is different in a negative way. whether it be looks, personality, race, weakness or whatever. In your case you were short, physically weak, and Asian, you looked (and still look) easy to pick on and abuse. We even see this on YOUR OWN FORUM where you are to a significant degree considered a figure of fun rather than someone to be taken seriously.
I read about a study done on young boys on a camp together. Each of them was chosen for being popular at their own school, one of the leaders of their peer group. However when these boys from different schools were thrown in together and were divided into groups, there was always a boy in each group who was picked on and made into an outsider for some trivial reason. Maybe for being too slow, or for having big ears, or for having a large head. The point is, each group had a member who was ranked lowest in the social scale of each group.
But I thought only high school kids do that. Adults do it too? Even when I'm in a group of friends, it happens too.
How do you explain the clothes thing in high school that I described above, where kids who wore the same checkered shirt everyday and smelled didn't get picked on or told that they dressed badly, but I did?
I'm not weaker than average, by the way. Ever since I was 12, I could beat most guys my age in arm wrestling, by using a few techniques, not just brute strength.
I asked this question to my retired mental health counselor friend. Here is what he had to say:
I will do my best to answer this, though, because it is also an issue I wrestle with from time-to-time.
For example, I have a friend who is older and not extremely attractive but he has a very "open" vibe about him (he has said his wife has described it as a "Come f**k me," look). Anyway, on various mongering trips together we have been in numerous bars in Thailand and he has always been hit on by the prettier girls and there have been a few occasions where the woman he was with would take an instant dislike to me, cuss me out, flip me off, etc.--all apparently for "no reason."
I realize, deep down, that I have a lot of anger and hatred of women because of my many rejections by them and it is very hard to hide this--as one of your posters said--women tend to pick up on these things very rapidly. Also, like you, I seem to attract more than my fair share of seemingly inexplicable things like barking dogs, barking women, bad breaks, etc. It is very hard to realistically assess these sorts of things given that in other ways both my life and yours have been filled with many "lucky" events and we arguably live better than a great majority of the world's people, at least materially and in terms of "interesting" life experiences.
Some of what the PUA people and some of your posters say does seem to have some credence. For example, if I get into better shape, deliberately wear nicer clothes, project an air of confidence (even if it's false), I notice I get better responses even here in America--particularly so if I say very positive things. I have done a lot of experiments testing this sort of thing. I am always hesitant to follow through on acting this way, however, because it is not really me. I actually prefer to be a slob and do not keep myself in the shape I could.
FWIW, I think you are a pretty decent-looking guy who could probably improve your looks by losing some weight and adding some muscle, as some in your forum have pointed out. I also agree that some women will find you attractive, some will not--tastes vary considerably.
Finally, I think the answer to your question in your subject line should be rather obvious. You are one of the few "gurus" running a web site who openly discusses your ambivalence, insecurities, relationship problems, etc. Consider the many other blogs/forums that you read. Can you imagine someone like Pat Flynn doing this, or a Ross Jeffries? Sure, Jeffries used to admit he was "ugly" but he would always use this as supposed proof of the infallibility of his system. I used to be a member of his Usenet PUA forum, Alt.seduction.fast and also had quite a few personal conversations with him. Deep down, he was a very insecure man who really wanted "true love" and felt a certain emptiness with his PUA life--but he never admitted ANY of this on his forums and always projected an image of confidence and success.
I find your habit of admitting your own failures, doubts, insecurities, etc., sort of endearing and refreshing as you do not try to flaunt your expertise in every post and do not claim to have all the answers.
However, I am a very unusual man, and most members on a forum purporting that American and other Western men would be happier living abroad, or any forum attesting to some "truth," will be a bit taken aback if the forum leader expresses doubts about various issues in his life, particularly if they seem to go against the very nature of his web site.
Let's face it--most web site masters would paint a very rosy picture and would hide the less palatable details--you do not and thus you open yourself up to criticism. I do not necessarily think this is a bad thing, as it gives the forum far more authenticity and backs up your claims as a self-professed "truth" seeker. That said, it is also natural that it is going to invite personal attacks. Part of this is simple conditioning. Remember that the majority of your readers are Western males and though they may not be "typical" Western males in their thinking or lifestyles, they are accustomed to people in positions of power at least professing and projecting a certain air of competence, certainty and self-assuredness. Just consider the difference between Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan--Carter, a nuclear engineer--reaped MUCH scorn when he said the country was in a "malaise." This was perceived by the American people as "weakness" and Carter was vehemently lambasted by many Americans for using this terminology. There is no doubt his "truth-telling" hurt him in the 1980 election which Reagan won. Reagan, now venerated as an almost godlike figure by the far-conservative right, by contrast, was always positive, always using homespun homilies and feel-good phrases that had a wide appeal for people and made Americans feel good even when a lot of crazy and illegal shit was occurring such as the Iran-Contra scandal.
So, if you are going to put yourself and your foibles and insecurities out there for all to see, Winston, then you will have to expect a certain backlash from some people--many do not like to see chinks in the armor of those they admire, envy or who purport to have some answer to a puzzle such as how to be happier.
Is that true about my status on this forum? lol
The Reagan and Carter analogy was true. Carter was more honest, but Reagan was more fake and optimistic, and the American people preferred that more than honesty. I wonder if that rings true for the members of this forum too? I would hope not. But hey, they're only human.
