Happier Abroad Forum Community

One thing that I observe quite often is that if someone's lonely, or tries to express how they're feeling, in the hope that they'd receive a bit of compassion, is that they get criticized and told they're being too negative.

When people talk about their loneliness, they simply want to feel understood, related-to etc. not criticized and have snap judgements made about them just for sharing a feeling.

The trouble is, people doing so get treated as if they're 'being negative' just for expressing a feeling. Not only that, they're told that they're driving people away (a snap jump to conclusion about one's situation without the facts, or without even an open mind). In addition to that, the person trying to express their loneliness is treated as if, just opening up about how they're feeling is somehow like that around everyone, another snap judgement totally lacking any humility.

I think such treatment gives people a really powerful messages that it's not OK to express one's feelings. Either that or modern people are highly incapable of compassion, ability to put oneself in one's shoes, relate to another's situation. When I see people being treated like that, I honestly find it pretty disgusting. It's absolutely appalling.

Let's recap
1. People EXPRESSING A FEELING being reacted to as if they are 'being negative
2. A snap judgement being made about them, their situation and difficulties, without even having an open mind
3. A snap assumption being made about the person expressing loneliness; that they're somehow like it all the time
All this being done without any attempt what-so-ever to relate to the person's situation, or even to have the humilty and openness of mind to consider 'maybe I don't know al the facts and now probably isn't the right time to pass judgement'.

This is a general pattern I've observed on the way people who express loneliness are treated. I find it pretty disturbing to be truthful and quite depressing. I wonder whether this is a general symptom of narcissism? I wonder whether this is generally more acute.

If people get charged with 'being too negative', or some similar narrative, for expressing their feelings (with no attempt to try to relate to it), then it's no surprise that people learn not to express their feelings, that it's something bad. There seems to be a widespread narrative, particularly among Americanised young people that, by expressing feelings of distress, you'll somehow bring down others.

As for jumping to snap conclusions about a person's situations (e.g. that they must be a 'loser) without any attempt what-so-ever to relate to their situation, feelings or experiences, I think it's a combination of narcissism and ignorance. Even if you can't directly relate to one's feelings, experience or situation; acknowledging that passing judgement is always far better than coming to an incorrect, or disrespectful conclusion about someone.

IN my book, you don't pass judgement, criticism or advice to someone without at least trying to relate to them and their situation.

Has anyone else noticed this out of curiosity?

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Ghost wrote:Typical Americans always assume that the individual is the problem and that society can never be the problem. This is completely fallacious thinking and means a lot of men fall through the cracks because they get ignored. Society will continue to see Elliot Rodger types pop up because it refuses to acknowledge male loneliness.

Exactly, in the US your never supposed to be lonely or depressed, your always supposed to be "happy" and feeling "up" all the time.

This society is so phony it's ridiculous. The video below shows how people in America are supposed to act all the time! You have to act happy even if you are not!

True all that you say. It is like my other thread about those automated responses that we are sick of hearing. Or people saying I have a bad attitude because I had lost faith in people not knowing anything about me.

When I think of empathy, I start thinking of myself and my blessings in life. I have always had a roof over my head and enough food. That means I would never go to the slums of India and tell people their children were anorexic or somehow starving themselves to death out of choice. What the hell would I know about starving to death?

It is just like our culture here in the US to treat people that way and to have people feel that way.

Unfortunately, we are a culture that always focuses on being positive and not"creeping"anyone out. We constantly have to put on a mask all of the time and this is particularly dangerous as it pertains to men because when you do not get a chance to express yourself properly, it can lead to drug, alcohol abuse or suicidal tendencies.

Our society here in America would be better off in some ways if it would let men express themselves whether they are feeling positive or negative and stop judging men if they do happen to feel negative.