Von Der Leyen's Funhouse

[Tsar]

I'm going to be writing a satirical spoof about the EU and NATO leaders who believe in Atlanticism (aka pro-American Americuck EU-NATO leaders) based on this movie. I will be watching this movie tonight and it looks good.

I actually wrote the title of this thread then I Googled "Funhouse" and that trailer appeared.

I was actually intending to listen to this song called Funhouse.



Here's the lyrics to:

Funhouse by Pink

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down
Throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall
Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle
Now a rash
This used to be a funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down
Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, fun
Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory
I've called the movers
Called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble tumble house of cards
This used to be a fun house
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
This used to be a fun house
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down
Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, fun
Oh, I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my lock no more
I'll change the drapes
I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place
Burn this f***er down
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do da da da da
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do dodo do
Do do do do dodo doo
This used to be a fun house
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
This used to be a fun house
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down down down
I'm gonna burn it down

[Tsar]

Here's the story as I promised! I would like to have some feedback. It's a spoof on Funhouse, but I also added some other minor spoofs of other movies and shows. However, most of the characters, and all the ones with names are real people.

I'll eventually be writing a few sequels called:
White House, Fright House, Funhouse
Cirque de Windsor's Funhouse
Funhouse of the Chosen People
Funhouse of the Lord
Funhouse of the Elite
Funhouse: Are You Having Fun?
Funhouse: Are You Having Fun Yet?

Von Der Leyen's Funhouse

It was an emergency meeting of European leaders and NATO officials to discuss the soon to fall Ukraine and how to respond to a soon to happen invasion of Moldova. NATO was losing popular support, countries outside of NATO were against it, and Russia was winning.

An angry revolutionary with a lot of power and a secret revolutionary organization uses a knockout gas on the meeting and surrounding area, abducts many of the leaders, and creates a live reality show.

There's also versions streaming in the US, Canada, Australia, and the UK much like national versions of reality television series. There's also an Elite Special. But this version we're discussing today is called: Von Der Leyen's Funhouse!

Contestants:
1. Sanna Mirella Marin, Finnish Prime Minister
2. Olaf Scholz, Chancellor of Germany
3. Annalena Baerbock, Foreign Minister of Germany
4. Jens Stoltenberg, Secretary General of NATO
5. Josep Borrell Fontelles, "The guy who effectively said everywhere else in the world is the Jungle"
6. François Gérard Georges Nicolas Hollande, former President of France
7. Angela Dorothea Merkel, former Chancellor of Germany
8. Ingrida Šimonytė, Prime Minister of Lithuania

They all awaken in what seems like a house but more like an underground bunker.

They walk from their rooms into the common area where there's drinks and menus that are comparable to what's served at the G7, G20, WEF, dinners with royalty and heads of state, and restaurants where billionaires might dine.

The screen appears with the mascot and it's an animated version of the Grim Reaper. However, that's actually augmented digital reality because the host of the show is using technology to switch his appearance into it.

He says "Welcome European NATO Elites, you must be wondering why you're here and where you are! You're in Von Der Leyen's Funhouse! A place where I hope you'll all have fun completing for your lives. Only one person can make it out of Von Der Leyen's Funhouse alive. This is a reality television show and you need to convince your viewers, all across Europe, NATO, and the World to vote for you! You can call it real democracy! If you're elected, then you will win your life! The loser of each round will need to pass a challenge to avoid dying. If you and another contestant are within one percentage point of each other, then you both compete to see who moves on. Whoever tries to escape, break the rules, or refuses to compete will be killed and it will be very painful and very entertaining to the viewers! Every day, you must talk with and engage your audience on an outgoing webcam. I hope you have fun! And remember, the Court Jesters will serve you refreshments and the Reapers are here to enforce order. At the end of every round, the Demons will appear."

The politicians are nervous and screaming.

(I'll be skipping the socializing. This isn't a movie and you're not suppose to get to learn anything about the characters. Just use Google and read about them).

Round #1:

Angela Merkel and Anna Baerbock get into a catfight over who is responsible for getting them chosen as contestants because she believes it's politically motivated. Olaf tries to break it up, but Angela, nervous from this entire situation slaps Olaf and rants "Du bist weniger als Amerikas Hund! Du Stück ranzige Scheiße! Du und deine Schlampe Anna hätten niemals die Macht übernehmen sollen!"
(Translation: You're less than America's dog! You piece of rancid shit! You and your Slut Anna should have never taken power!)



Olaf is speechless and backs off like a timid little puppy. Anna Baerbock wants to slap Angela but Sanna rushes in to stop her and Francois Hollande rushes in to stop Angela. They breakup the fight.

Josep Borrell shouts at Jens Stoltenberg and everyone else "You all turned my garden into the jungle!" He gets one of the bottles and tosses it at Jens Stoltenberg. He ducks and the bottle breaks against the wall. Josep has gotten drunk at the bar. He is restrained by the other guests and given time to cool down.

Ingrida says that she thinks this was the Russians. They're doing this to destabilize Europe.

However, Sanna turns on the television, and sees that there's concurrent reality shows across the world. It's everywhere across the Collective West. The Western World is in chaos.

Russia is rapidly advancing in Ukraine without any real Western leadership left remaining anywhere in the world.

Then, it's voting time.

The results are in and the lowest ranking contestants are Anna Baerbock who got 2.41% of the votes and Olaf Scholz who got 3.44% of the votes. Almost within one percentage points of each other.

Grim Reaper appears on the screen and says "Olaf, you narrowly missed having a face off against Anna Baerbock. Sorry Anna, but you've been voted off. There's still a chance for you to pass a challenge and move to the next round. Let's see what your challenge will be. Touch the button to generate the wheel then touch spin."

Anna is terrified at the choices but spins. It lands on "Bareback or Babyback."

Everyone is like: WTF is this?

The Demons arrive to take Anna while the Reapers escort the seven to the viewing room.

Grim Reaper says "Bareback or Babyback" is based on a scene from my favorite anime: Redo of Healer. Anna, you're going to have to pleasure a group of drugged up Cannibals who have been starved of all food for two weeks and threatened that if they don't get satisfied, they'll be starved for the rest of their lives. If you don't pleasure them enough, they can eat you just like Americans would eat tender Babyback Ribs at a barbeque! Let's begin the show!"

Anna is screaming "Nein! Nein! Nein!" as her clothes are ripped from her body.

But one tries to bite her so she realizes they're not playing. She tries to ride them and pleasure them and makes to 49:58 but then a special link to her husband Daniel's reaction watching it appears but it's actually technology giving the illusion it's him. He's crying and heartbroken and screaming "Nein!" and Anna loses her willpower and stamina because it pushes her over the edge to despair. Being raped on a reality show.



She stopped pleasuring them and then the cannibals tear into her flesh and she begins screaming. The cannibals don't care she's been bathed in a cum bath from their multiple loads. They're too starving.



The other 7 contestants are screaming and Grim Reaper appears on the screens and says "Well, I guess Anna Babyback has been devoured!"

Sanna is crying. Josep Borrell fainted. Angela Merkel is quiet and her hands are shaking almost like she has Parkinson's Disease but it's just the shock and nervousness.

They're escorted back.

However, Francois Hollande decides he wants to escape and bashes what looks to be a glass window that leads to a tunnel that faintly resembles having light and a window to a forest. However, it was an illusion. Alarms go off and Francois Hollande is captured by the Funhouse Demons.

He's taken for an extra special punishment.

Nicolas Sarkozy is in the room, having been abducted along with his family. His family are being held hostage somewhere and his task would be to mutilate Francois Hollande if tried to escape. The contestants watch as Francois Hollande is strapped down and Nicolas Sarkozy gets pincers and begins to chop off Francois Hollande's fingers and toes, then gets the chainsaw and hacks off his hands and feet. Going down the joints. He tossed them and the cannibals, like dogs, rush over to devour the meat. When Francois Hollande has no more arms or legs, a claw comes down and picks him up like a ragdoll. He's then dropped into a tank of Fluoroantimonic Acid. His entire body dissolves within minutes. His agonizing scream happened when he first began to sink but then his lungs filled as he tried to breathe and it flowed into his ears and mouth. That accelerated his death.

Everyone was horrified.

Grim Reaper says "I hope you now know what will happen if you try to escape or break the rules!"

Nicolas Sarkozy fulfilled his terms to reunite with his family. They're in a room. He hugs them. However, it's been filled with just enough flammable gas, and then more gas rushes inside. They're told the botton is to an elevate. However, it's actually a room with much more flammable gas and a remote control spark generator. Grim Reaper never said they could escape, only be reunited. The spark detonates the gas and incinerates the Sarkozy Family who are Jews, and it's like a mini-Holocaust. Viewers are shocked and so are the contestants.

Round #2:

Olaf Scholz is next to go. It's to be expected.

His challenge is Green Light, Red Light but mixed with traps. Trap doors with Fluoroantimonic Acid. Machine guns on the ceiling. He must stop if the lights turn red or the motion sensors will activate the traps. If he fails, then he dies. Plus, at the end is Tank, Tank, Moose. Three pathways. Two have tanks that will open fire and blast him to pieces. The other has a Moose that will try to attack him with horns or chase him away from the exit. But if he goes back, it's all Red Light and he'll be shot dead. Olaf gets lucky and passes the Green Light, Red Light challenge. He also gets lucky and appears at the Moose. The Moose has baby moose, and he rushes to try to go past the moose but the moose honks.



He has to choose between certain death or possible death. He chooses to rush and try to outrun the moose. But, he's eventually rammed in the head by the mother moose and father moose. Then he's trampled to death.

Grim Reaper says "So close, but I guess he just wasn't able to outrun the moose."

Round #3:

Ingrida got 9.77% of the votes and Jens got 10.36% of the votes.

Grim Reaper says It's our first face off of the show. What will be the challenge?

Cold War Gun Battle!

Both contestants are doused in freezing water and given semiautomatic rifles. The temperature in the large room, built like a Scandinavian, Baltic, or Russian forest during winter is set at -30 Celsius (-22 Fahrenheit). It's a race against the clock before the cold kills them both from hypothermia but one must kill the other to actually make it out and to the next round.

Jens Stoltenberg has military training and is able to jump Ingrida and guns her down. He makes it to the hot spring checkpoint and it opens. He jumps inside, escaping the cold. The Demons retrieve him and put him into a heating pod.

Grim Reaper congratulates Jens on a really entertaining round. He wasn't sure if either of the two would make it through to the next round!

We're halfway through the reality show:

Our four remaining contestants are:

Sanna
Jens
Josep
Angela

Round #4

Josep receives the lowest amount of votes. His challenge is "Escape the Jungle!"

He must escape a football stadium room filled with violent apes, angry monkeys, poisonous snakes, vicious hippopotamus, crocodiles, poisonous insects, and some other predators. Plus, there's an African Refugee who volunteered to play a tribal warrior who gets $5,000 just for competing but if he kills Josep with a spear, then he gets $50,000. It's a race for Josep. But Josep is given a gun loaded with six bullets. It's on the pedestal at the entrance after he's sent inside.

He begins his challenge and everything goes well until he disturbs the monkeys and uses 3 of his bullets to kill an ape and two monkeys. This scares the primates. However, he must cross a mock river with crocodiles and hippopotamus. One hippopotamus charges at him because he fell in and almost bites off part of his leg but he escaped just in time. He is attacked by two more primates, monkeys and a gorilla but scares them off with another gunshot.

Two bullets left.

The African throws his spear but it narrowly missed Josep. The African tries to punch Josep but Josep shoots the African dead in a lucky shot.

One bullet remaining. However, the shooting in this area disturbed over one hundred baboons. Supposedly one of the most vicious and dangerous primates (when provoked).




With one bullet remaining, violent baboons, and no chance of escape, rather than face a violent dead being beaten and bitten by baboons, he takes the gun and shoots himself for a clean death by suicide.

Round #5

Grim Reaper appears and says "Who received the lowest votes for this round? Who will be our Final Two Candidates?"

It's Sanna! Your dancing scene while drunk, like a party girl, doesn't seem to have helped this round of voting. But you were very close.

Sanna: 29.60%
Jens: 30.64%
Angela: 39.76%

Jens is smiling while Angela has her typical stoic emotionless look. He imagines an easy victory.

However, Sanna's challenge is:
The Wheel of Fortune

She must spin a wheel. 24 pieces. 12 have good challenges, 4 have special prizes that aren't challenges, 2 have things to avoid a terrible death challenge, 4 have bad challenges, and 2 have excruciating deaths.

Sanna spins the wheel and it lands on "Swap Places"

Sanna gets to swap places with...

Jens Stoltenberg

Sanna sighs with relief.

Jens Stoltenberg can't believe it.

He is taken to spin the Wheel which has changed and it lands on:

"Goosh Goosh, Swoosh Swoosh" which happens to be adapted from another anime scene. He will be raped by well-hung men hung like stallions and built like mountainous beasts and if he survives, for leading NATO, he will take a metal horse penis into his ass, which, the head will open like flower petals, and a sword will pierce his insides and rotate and spin as if it was a blade on a chariot used by gladiators in Ancient Rome. But he doesn't know this and neither do most viewers.

Jens Stoltenberg gets raped and then he gets sodomized by the horse penis hidden-bayonet-bladed mechanized-dildo as retribution for his evil actions he assisted in when NATO destroyed Libya and killed Gaddafi.



Grim Reaper says "Congratulations to making it to the final round. This is a victory for women's representation. But only one of you will be having victory in the next round!"

Round #6

Sanna is the winner! Sorry Angela, but the voters have spoken!

Angela's contest is "Liar! Liar! Hellfire!"

Grim Reaper says "A fitting challenge for a liar who chose to agree to a peace agreement in bad faith!"

Angela Merkel will need to get through the challenge to receive a relatively painless death otherwise she will be baked alive in an Iron Maiden.

She manages to get to the final question. It's like the Two Brothers Riddle.

She must choose a door. Only one is the path to a relatively painless death.

"Is this the better doorway for me to avoid pain?"

One says yes, the other says no. She asked the wrong question. So, she chances it, and now, she walks through a tunnel. A gate drops down behind her. She can only go forward through the door.

Sadly, it's the Iron Maiden.

Angela Merkel is burned alive in an Iron Maiden. Spikes partially piercing her flesh. She's screaming because it's an excruciating death.

The Winner:

Grim Reaper says "Congratulations Sanna! You're the winner! However, this is called Von Der Leyen's Funhouse for a reason! You will need to face off against the Von Der Leyen Family if you want to keep your life and walk out of here alive! Are you prepared for what you must do?"

Sanna nods.

She's taken up an elevator and she's in a luxury bunker type setting.

Ursula von der Leyen, her husband, and all her children are restrained in chairs.

Grim Reaper appears on the screen and says "Now, Sanna, you're going to have to kill them, unless of course, Ursala wants to spare her family, by sacrificing other families:

Zelensky, Zelensky's wife, Zelensky's children, Lt. Admiral Rob Bauer and his family, as well as 20 abducted Senators and Congresspersons from the United States of America and their children. Plus, you also get to kill Kosovo's two leaders and setback NATO's pet project! Them in exchange for your life and the life of your family, or Sanna kills you and your family. Choose Ursala! 30 seconds.

Ursala nods. She expects a gun but she's actually given a sword. She has to slice all their throats, stab their hearts, or slice them dead however she wants. She'll be up close and personal with her victims!

Ursala does what she must and kills all these people. She screams as she does it until she's laughing because she went a little crazy having to kill her allies and it's almost like she's having fun, realizing that by killing these people, she saved her family and herself. She also watched the deaths of other NATO leaders and former national leaders belonging to NATO.

Sanna, Ursala von der Leyen, and her family awaken on a beach on a small Greek island. The last thing they remember was being congratulated by Grim Reaper for passing the challenges and surviving the challenges. He hoped they had fun because all the viewers had fun and so did he! Then they were probably hit with knockout gas.

They were thankful to be alive but were returning to chaos.

They received interviews. Both resigned because their actions were too scandalous to be effective diplomats and politicians. Their political careers were effectively over, especially because they wanted to avoid a repeat, especially because the reality series Funhouse was still ongoing.

No one in the world could identify Grim Reaper or where his broadcasts were coming from.

The End!