Would my life be better now if I had a normal happy childhood?

[Mystery]

I have never fit with others at school either. Now I have cleaned most of my subconscious baggage so I'm living a different life. I still don't fit in the crowd... but I stand out from the crowd.

If so, would I have become a successful career driven person with a great income, nice house, nice cars, and good wife, the ideal middle class lifestyle, if I had passed the "testing ground"?

Some people tell me I'm crazy, but I say that people who get a successful career and nice wife and work their entire life to pay for nice home nice car and do the same routine until they are 60 so they can then enjoy life... those people are real crazy. Why would you even want to do that

I'll have a nice automated business, work on the beaches of Brazil and Philippines, and enjoy my life!

[The_Adventurer]

Life is like the stock market, there is no hind-sight allowed. You cannot go back and say "d@mn I wish I had bought AAPL at $60".

You can if you were actually planning on it, but changed your mind for some reason. A friend of mine was always a real Apple geek. The one everyone made fun of in a primarily Windows company. All he talked about was buying Apple stock back when we had the money and were playing the stock game. I honestly don't remember what stopped him, or why he didn't do it back then (this was when it was cheaper than $60 too) but we've all been kicking him as much or more than I am sure he is kicking himself these days.

Sure, I can't go back and say it, but he can, and if he doesn't it, we all say it for him.

[Shokkers]

It's irrelevant now.
But who in the world ever had a 'normal, happy childhood'? I didn't, virtually everyone I've ever read about didn't.
I think the rougher your childhood is, the better a person you become.

[polya]

Winston, children are like Lord of the flies - totally savage.

I think as a parent, you re-live your own problems in your children as they go through similar things so maybe that explains your dreams (although your baby is still young & not in school).

You would have turned out different, but maybe worse not better (who knows). Just live the life you want NOW & try to forget the past.

[Mr S]

My school experiences sucked and it didn't help that my younger sister was popular and I was considered the weird, loner brother. I was socially awkward and inept. I believe some of these problems stemmed from my mother wanting to have control over every aspect of my life as a child and her pushing her biases upon me regarding various life issues. I knew I was different but I also knew making a radical change from one year to the next attracts a lot of undue attention, which can be just as difficult to handle as well.

I didn't have any real friends and hung around a few people I knew occasionally. I decided to start working out with weights at the age of 16 and that did help with people perceiving me different. Here is a decent looking guy who can't socialize or be friendly (in the eyes of others). So by that age most people just left me alone as they had their own life to worry about. I noticed bullying seemed to die out around junior year anyways.

I also had no clue how to talk to woman, even though I probably could have had a GF and dated decent looking woman if I knew how to get over my shyness. One reason why I joined the Navy out of high school, I needed an environment that would force me to change and learn how to deal with my various social fears in life. It did work, but it was like being sent to jail to reform oneself. Some come out worse, some better. I did change, but i hated the experience in the process.

I've continued refining my personality and life style year to year. I've changed a lot and will continue to change personality-wise until I die probably. I feel I am cured of my social inadequacies, however I still get occasional flashbacks in my dreams and when I visit my hometown and state back in the USA.

[womanizer]

We moved around a lot when I was a kid. There was a time when we lived in one place for 6 years, and man it sucked. I felt torn out of my natural environment, and never adjusted well. Nothing horrible, but definitely I think my emotional development was stunted. couldnt talk to girls, and my self esteem was shot to hell. Didn't help that all this time I was trying to talk to American girls who never tried to be communicative. Hell i thought the problem was me. Didnt have a girlfriend until much later. Honestly I think if I had had a well adjusted childhood, I wouldnt have been such a sex-hungry p***y hound.

[globetrotter]

All of this looking backwards and referencing one's emotional state to what happened in childhood or high school is unhealthy for men in their late 30's.

Look forward, find out what is good today and maybe tomorrow.

The rest does not exist and is a dream.

[Winston]

My school experiences sucked and it didn't help that my younger sister was popular and I was considered the weird, loner brother. I was socially awkward and inept. I believe some of these problems stemmed from my mother wanting to have control over every aspect of my life as a child and her pushing her biases upon me regarding various life issues. I knew I was different but I also knew making a radical change from one year to the next attracts a lot of undue attention, which can be just as difficult to handle as well.

I didn't have any real friends and hung around a few people I knew occasionally. I decided to start working out with weights at the age of 16 and that did help with people perceiving me different. Here is a decent looking guy who can't socialize or be friendly (in the eyes of others). So by that age most people just left me alone as they had their own life to worry about. I noticed bullying seemed to die out around junior year anyways.

I also had no clue how to talk to woman, even though I probably could have had a GF and dated decent looking woman if I knew how to get over my shyness. One reason why I joined the Navy out of high school, I needed an environment that would force me to change and learn how to deal with my various social fears in life. It did work, but it was like being sent to jail to reform oneself. Some come out worse, some better. I did change, but i hated the experience in the process.

I've continued refining my personality and life style year to year. I've changed a lot and will continue to change personality-wise until I die probably. I feel I am cured of my social inadequacies, however I still get occasional flashbacks in my dreams and when I visit my hometown and state back in the USA.

That sounds like my life too.

Did you ever think that maybe you weren't the problem, that it was the insane school system?

Maybe you weren't socially inept, it's just that you didn't like to act fake to fit in with other fake people?

Frederich Nietzsche said:

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

In either case, you couldn't find your answers outside, so you had to dig deeper within yourself, and in the process gained a lot of inner insight that others don't have. Maybe that's why you recognize BS so easily now, cause you were never programmed like the majority was, and so you could think independently and freely.

[Winston]

All of this looking backwards and referencing one's emotional state to what happened in childhood or high school is unhealthy for men in their late 30's.

Look forward, find out what is good today and maybe tomorrow.

The rest does not exist and is a dream.

Maybe. But it's natural to go through a mid-life crisis. Did you ever go through one? If so, what was it like and how did you deal with it? Does it make you wiser afterward?

Anyone else here been through a mid-life crisis?

[Rock]

Hi all,
I sometimes still have nightmares about being back in school, feeling alienated and lost in a sea of pressure. It's like part of me is trying to relive those days, trying to make up for it, as though I failed my juvenile testing ground and wish to "retake the test".

So I often wonder, if I had had a happy well adjusted high school life, would I have turned out to be a happy stable person with a good career, house and family, instead of a maladjusted rebel against the system?

If you had adjusted successfully into your American social environment, perhaps instead of turning into the model Asian-American you often criticize in your writings, you would have ended-up like this guy (AB Thai I think). What do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w87ERgj6RG8

http://www.youtube.com/user/TimothyDeLaGhetto2

[ijohn]

I recommend the book Iron John by Robert Bly.

Almost everyone see's childhood as a paradise, a golden time. Sex has not yet reared it's head. You live in the shelter of your parents and tribe.

So adolescence is a time of great unheaval for almost everyone. Human beings have always known that. Tribes used to have initiation rites; the older men of the tribe would come and take the teenage boys out of the mother's protective womb and put them through the initiation rites. The purpose was to help the adolescent make the transition out of the mother's house into the fathers house; to help the adolescent see what life is in all its horror and glory, to learn how to live in it as a useful functioning member of the tribe and finally to know that he was *welcome* as one of these too.

Today we have dismissed the process of initiation and so adolescents have no way to know how to become men. At least this is Robert Bly's thesis.

I can't be sure your life or anyone else's would have been different with a different childhood. They would most certainly have been different in a different culture perhaps from a different time altogether, that treated adolescence differently, that provided strong initiation rites and clearer paths to a meaningful adulthood.

It is a beautiful book. And there is a chapter dealing with the 'road of ashes, descent and grief' the road that some men most take into their own grief. If this is your path then it is your path and no changed childhood would have altered it. Bly describes what the road teaches, why some must take it and what are the ways out and the beauties that arise too. Read the book it will explain all this.

[Winston]

Check out this video by TheLogicJunkie where he describes a similar childhood to mine, where he had trouble connecting with others and regrets it. It's very sad but touching.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I too had a rough teenage existence. However, that was when the seeds were sown to escape and become an expatriate.

I never felt comfortable in the US and I always felt like an alien just going through the motions expected of me.

When I finally did move abroad, I felt free to be me.

Ironically, I increasingly feel the damage that American mass media is causing. More and more people in other countries expect me to be like the Americans in the movies or in the rap videos, neither of which fit my personality. In that way, us global travelers are losing ground to the Americanization of world culture.

McDonald's, Disney, Facebook, Starbucks, etc are global enterprises that spread the filth of this country overseas.

[Winston]

Hi all,
I have some GOOD NEWS and want to share something AMAZING with you all!

After my angry letter to my dad about ruining my childhood by making me leave Palo Alto, which I posted here, I prayed to God and angrily demanded an explanation about why he let that happen, which scarred me for life. I was very sincere in asking and demanding an answer and explanation. A few days later, I received a two part answer to my prayer. The first part came in the form of a lucid vivid dream that was like a revelation. The second part came when a classmate of mine from elementary school, posted our 4th grade class picture on his Facebook wall and tagged me and a number of people in it. When I "accidentally" saw it (not an accident of course, but synchronicity) I replied and then found other classmates, including a sympathetic girl named Marci, who gave me a nice warm hug at a bank near a college I went to in 1992 when I met her by accident there. She saw things in me that others didn't see and was there when I was bullied in elementary school, junior high and high school. Anyway, when I contacted her, she said things as though God were speaking through her that answered my prayer too. So her words provided the second part of God's explanation to me.

In addition, other classmates sincerely apologized to me for bullying me and made up with me. All of this provided me with a lot of inner HEALING that I thought wasn't possible. After that, I felt finally FREE TO FORGIVE and let go. I also realized that what the Bible and Jesus said was TRUE, that if you FORGIVE others, then God will FORGIVE you and you will feel a heavy burden lifted off you. It's a divine wisdom that is really true and can HEAL one of negative toxic energy inside them from angry hurt feelings and psychological scars. I hope you all can do it too. It really does wonders for you. Once you forgive and let go and heal, your wounds will heal too and your body will be healthier as well. Already my body feels healthier and more wholesome and balanced. There is an old adage, "To err is human, but to forgive is divine."

Anyway, I'm going to describe the first part of how my prayer was answered in a lucid dream below by pasting a letter I wrote about it to Marci on Facebook. After that, I'm going to post the words from Marci that are wonderful and provide the second part of the answer to my prayer, which I don't think came by chance. Here is the letter to Marci that I wrote that describes the lucid dream I had that answered my prayer. The important parts are bolded below.

From Winston to Marci:

"Ok heres the dream i had that answered my prayers and demands to god for an answer to why he allowed me to move to fremont to be bullied and alienated, when if i had stayed in palo alto i might have had a normal chilhbood and become a normal adult, rather than spend my life trying to make up for an identity crisis.

I discussed it on my forum and received the usual pep talk from my forum members. Then one night i angrily and passionately demanded an explanation from god, just as Job did in the Bible in the Book of Job.

A few days later i had a special dream. It was like God was showing me his perspective. The whole world and my life too appeared as a grand cosmic symphony. Every event, positive and negative, good and bad, was like a musical note, floating around like strings (like string theory in quantum physics). From afar when you see the whole symphony, there was no good or bad, or positive or negative. Every event in life and on earth played out like a grand cosmic symphony with an amazing beauty. Thats what it all looked like from the highest perspective. It was a breathtaking view and amazing insight! So i said "oh i get it now! I see!"

Now keep in mind that this was a lucid dream, meaning that i was aware that i was dreaming, but stayed with it anyway because i felt like i was being shown something wonderful. After i said "i get it now!" I sat and enjoyed the great view for another hour or so before drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

When i woke up, i realized that this dream seemed to be an answer to my prayers demanding an answer from god. It was a very vivid and lucid dream that felt meaningful and enlightening. It was like god was giving me a glimpse into his view and perspective.

It reminded me of the end of the book of job in the bible, when job asked god why he suffered so much and lost everything even though he was innocent and righteous. God didnt answer his question directly, but instead went into a long poetic diatribe about how he is taking care of everything and is running the universe from the smallest things on up. It seems like i received a similar type of answer, or revelation.

Then a week or two later, on facebook i saw darren posted our class photo from 4th grade. When i clicked on it, i saw a list of people on FB that were tagged in it, including you marci. thats when i added you as a friend and asked if you remembered me. You replied yes and then told me how you admired that i had developed a strong spirit and soul after being bullied all those years. You something in me that others didnt see. So your wonderful insight, it seems, was part 2 of gods response to my prayers. When i look at them again, it seems that god was speaking to me through you. Thats when i realized it and brought it up to you.

If so then it doesnt seem like a coincidence after all then, when darren suddenly posted that class photo where i found you! Its like he was being used to answer my prayer too. Like all the pieces of the puzzle came together. One synchronicity after the other. Then you told me that you had asked god before to use you to help others. Wow! All the pieces seem to fit together! Perhaps its true what spiritual people say, that there are no coincidences. Maybe everything happens for a reason. What do you think?

Have u ever had prayers answered before? Have u seen or experienced any miracles or healings or amazing synchronicities? Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Ive had prayers answered before. It seems prayers get answered if u ask for sincere good things with a pure heart and intention. But not if u ask them for selfish or greedy reasons. Thats the pattern ive noticed.

When i was 14, i had no church or Christian friends. So i asked god for some. Then the next day, jonathan johnson, who went to gomes with us in 6th grade if u remember, called me out of the blue, even though we hadnt talked in a whole year. He asked me how i was and when i said i was listening to a Christian radio show, he said he didnt know i was a christian and then invited me to his church where i met some awesome people in his youth group and began going there for the next 2 years. Later on when i asked him why he had called me that night, he told me he didnt know. He just felt a sudden urge to. Wow.

Its too bad you cant talk to most guys about this since most western men today are atheists who have a very negative view of religion and opposed to any concept of god or religion, and prefer to believe that randomness, coincidence and evolution explain everything. Thats become the popular modern view. Theyve lost that spiritual connection that mankind has had for ages.

Another time i prayed for God to help me score points in softball in PE class in 9th grade. The next day i scores some points because the outfielders kept missing easy throws that should have gotten me out at the bases. I couldnt believe it. Something was helping me for sure. Lol."


What do you think? Amazing and interesting huh? Ok now here are Marci's words to me that provided the second part of the answers to my prayer. It was like God or the universe was speaking through her. Here are a series of her letters to me on Facebook. She told me I could post them. As you can see, she has a beautiful soul and sees the inner strength in me and in my spirit which few people do. I've bolded the important parts below.


Marci:

"Of course I remember you! I absolutely remember you! I thought about you often and I remember seeing you at the bank ?? flower Child LOL that's funny. In my later years I went through a process called recovery. I had ended up on drugs and alcohol for many years but I've turned my life around and live it for God. I don't know if that's a flower child LOL but I'm definitely gods child. I often reflect about our childhood and the way you were treated. I now understand that you were absolutely hands-down the most brave and courageous boy because you never lashed out at the bullies. You became a man and didn't turn to rebellion. When I saw you in the bank I was so proud that you had become a man and despite you're being bullied so much in school you had a smile on your face. I've always admired you for that and I think you are very strong man ??"

Marci:

"I'm shuttling some friends around town today and I've been reading little pieces of your comments and really enjoying it! I really want to chance to answer all your questions and talk about some of the things that you're doing now but I'm afraid I'm doing a lot of driving so I can't. I promise I'll get back to you soon or in little pieces anyways throughout the day ?? so happy to hear from you. And depending on what you mean by unpopular... You certainly got a lot of attention anyway unfortunately it was bad attention. I know you saw yourself as weak but I feel like you were the Gandhi of Chadbourne. Sounds like those things that felt so oppressing during her childhood have really fanned the flames of you becoming who you are today! And absolutely you can post my comments on your forum! I really see you as a hero the contrary of A weak child. The ones that were throwing punches where the weak ones! I literally asked somebody just yesterday what happened to Alex Etta!!! Seriously I was talking about Shannon passing and I asked some friends from mission whatever happened to Alex Etta!!??have some of these men who bullied you as a kid made their amends to you?

I would love to hear what you're doing today and I am comfortable hearing things that are out of the box. Even if they aren't things that I'm interested in I don't sit in judgment anymore on others. I just know that we are called to love one another and not judge.
Oh also another thing you mentioned where all those pictures could you tag me or send me those pictures? I don't think I remember seeing them"

Marci:

"ABSOLUTELY!!! I live on the Central Coast now near Pizmo beach. I've been here for 10 years. I think your observation of why bullies are bullying is the exact answer I would give to your question in your first text. I think they pick on The one least likely to fight back. You gave no indication or instigated any of the bad things that were done to you. I used to get so mad at them! I have a very vivid memories of them kicking you literally while you were down. I am so thrilled to hear that David contacted you to make an amends! I hope this brought a little bit of healing. I don't think it was race either as most of our classes at Chadbourne were pretty diverse. I'm fully convinced that they picked on you because you're shy and they were certain that you wouldn't retaliate. Hence the Gandhi comment.

I also agreed that having spirituality and my life has been like freedom from a personal prison. God has freed me from the bondage of my own personal hell. I see him everywhere I go now and I know that he loves me because he proves it to me every day! It doesn't mean that I live a problem or pain-free life it does mean I don't have to suffer through it! If that makes any sense. I'm so glad you found or are on the path of finding the real Winston Wu!!! I knew there was a beautiful person inside there and I'm so glad that those kids didn't squash his fire! Your strength is so evident because you have overcome! Unfortunately we can't say that for all the ones that were bullies some of them didn't make it out of their personal hell

I too have spent time exploring the world and seeing different cultures and experiencing the knowledge that our culture is not the end-all. I also lived in China for a couple of months in a town near Chengdu. Also if you haven't been to Hainan (sp?) Island it's AMAZING!!! Must see!!! I've also been to Bangladesh and Thailand. And lived in Jalisco Mexico for a year!"


Then when I told her that I felt that God spoke through her as a part two of his answer to my prayer, she told me something interesting, that she had prayed to God and asked him to use her to HELP others! Wow!


Marci:

"Wow! I would love to hear about the dream from God! I always ask God to use me to help others and often he uses the brokenness in my life to do so. He loves us soooo much and I love hearing stories about how he takes our pain and suffering to touch the lives around us! I'm so grateful that he answered you in such a manner!

Yes Gomes, my dad was 5th grade so they gave me permission but after much discussion. I don't know why we didn't talk, I hope I didn't tease you or be snobby. I remember you using karate!!! I remember Kristi

No, your voice was still familiar but not dorky...you sound very convenient and grownup.

I am Greatful to have Dina as a friend one fb and we chat off and on. Yes I remember her being teased as well.

* snip confidential secrets *

Lol Fambrini... I would love to design clothing but even more design cars!!

I saw one a while back about the company you started!! So cool!! But haven't had a chance to see the links maybe today.

I bleach my hair (hush finger LOL) no it's no secret

You have a great day yourself! May God continue to reveal himself to you in the most healing and tender of ways!"


As you can see, Marci was saying that my bad bullying experiences in childhood and teenage years strengthened my inner spirit and made me what I am today. She saw in me a deep inner strength like Gandhi that few people see. Like they say, a sword is not strong unless it goes through the flames in the sheath that welded and molded it. So there does seem to be a purpose behind the suffering. At least that's the answer I got.

What do you all think? All this was very deep and meaningful to me, and most important of all, very healing as well. I hope you all got some meaning and inspiration from it too, even though you weren't involved.

I do feel a lot better now in that I feel like I've been able to let go of my hurt, anger and resentment, and healed most of my psychological scars from that period, which I didn't think was possible. In addition, a number of people have apologized to me for bullying me too, which gave me the strength to forgive them. Once I did, I felt a burden lifted off me, and I know it's a good thing too, because if you forgive others, then God and the universe or karma will forgive you too of your "trespasses", just as Jesus said in the Bible.

[gsjackson]

Yes, it I inspiring. Gaining those kinds of perspectives is what it's all about. In an instant you dart to power, as Emerson put it. Been a long time since I was able to take that viewpoint. Happy for you.