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mentor wrote:My mind goes around the whole 'money' concept, the 'help to her family'.
Many thoughts arise from it.
For example: is it almost binding, the family opinion? Can a girl decide differently?
If the family is not satisfied with 'money matters', will they block the girl from a progress in our relationship?
Or there are filipinas that will go on with their own heart?
I know that the good relation with her family is the ideal thing.
But, I want some assumptions about a negative family attitude due to 'money' topic.
I think several guys married to Filipinas have weighed in already. While there is no 100% definitive answer on everything, I think everyone has told you that family is everything in the Philippines and that is likely to include some form of financial help. Expect it and then if you don't get requests you will be pleasantly surprised.
Now her desire to help her family is a different issue from whether she has a bad or demanding family. You certainly have the right to tell her that her brother wanting you to buy a motorcycle for him is a no-no.
Once you get boots on the ground and see the dynamic you will understand better. Frankly, overall I view it as a positive. The way she treats her parents is indicative of the way she will treat you. If you find a Pinay who doesn't give a damn about her parents it would be a real red flag for me.
davewe wrote:
I think several guys married to Filipinas have weighed in already. While there is no 100% definitive answer on everything, I think everyone has told you that family is everything in the Philippines and that is likely to include some form of financial help. Expect it and then if you don't get requests you will be pleasantly surprised.
Now her desire to help her family is a different issue from whether she has a bad or demanding family. You certainly have the right to tell her that her brother wanting you to buy a motorcycle for him is a no-no.
Once you get boots on the ground and see the dynamic you will understand better. Frankly, overall I view it as a positive. The way she treats her parents is indicative of the way she will treat you. If you find a Pinay who doesn't give a damn about her parents it would be a real red flag for me.
Regarding the help of the family, what do you think it's better, for my case:
wait for her to open this discussion, or take the initiative and start first (after the first conversations of course), to have a clear image rather soon?
mentor wrote:Regarding the help of the family, what do you think it's better, for my case:
wait for her to open this discussion, or take the initiative and start first (after the first conversations of course), to have a clear image rather soon?
You should be honest with her. I told my wife, when we met and fell in love: I want to be with you. I want to have a future with you. I want us to have our own family, realize our own dreams. And we will focus on those dreams, before we focus on the dreams you have for your parents. You want to give them a better life, you want to sacrifice for them as they sacrificed for you to get the education and upbringing you received... but our first priority will be ourselves. We will help them when we can, but some of the big things you had in mind will have to wait.
That is what I told her. We agreed on this. I have helped out financially, not just to provide for the upkeep of my wife and daughter but also for the tuition of my sister-in-law who is going to college, on occasion. I have helped out one of her grandparents when there was an emergency. And I have also paid off a few loans. I did not spend all of my savings on them, but a portion of the money I made has been spent on my in-laws and their immediate relatives. They are good, honorable people and never betrayed my trust. After a few bad investments and financial woes, I was able to help out and gladly did. They got back on their feet and have not asked for help ever since.
I helped them, because when my wife and I are old we may need the help of our children. What sort of an example would we set if we let our parents down when they needed us most? Not just for their sake, or your wife's, for your OWN sake you should reconsider your stance my friend.
There is also such a thing as an ungenerous compulsive tightwad....
So do Chinese. I don't know where some people get the idea that only Filipinos do that. I know Chinese guys in their 30's who won't get married yet because they know they must support their own parents and the wife's parents. I have a friend whose wife has a great job in the video game industry and they still fight because he doesn't give her money. She doesn't even need it! It's just cultural.
“Booty is so strong that there are dudes willing to blow themselves up for the highly unlikely possibility of booty in another dimension." -- Joe Rogan
The_Adventurer wrote:So do Chinese. I don't know where some people get the idea that only Filipinos do that. I know Chinese guys in their 30's who won't get married yet because they know they must support their own parents and the wife's parents. I have a friend whose wife has a great job in the video game industry and they still fight because he doesn't give her money. She doesn't even need it! It's just cultural.
This is very true. I used to be married to a Chinese woman and we sent $500 USD monthly to her parents, even though they didn't need it.
Winston may not realize this but if he ever finds and marries a Chinese woman, he will learn quickly what his reality will be. And that's not even taking into account what he will have to spend before getting married.
You were right, as somebody told it here some days ago, this 'money-helping-family' topic, is one of the hardest things to accept.
I have the intention to be honest an discuss this 'hot' topic from the early days of any new possible relationship.
I will set real expectations from the start, and the potential mate will know what I am thinking about, and what she has to accept or compromise with me.
MarcosZeitola I appreciate your thoughts.
Mainly I could say there are two axis about this topic:
1- To completely understand this 'cultural' difference. For example, if a girl in my country would ever told me so, it would be a requirement from the outer space, and definitely a very selfish move! In my country, the old days, the father of the daughter should give dowry to be able to marry her daughter! This does not happen today, we are along from these traditions (although parents from man and woman usually help a new couple, in several ways), but I think you can get the point!
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2- The second axis, it's the 'money' itself. Lets assume I understand what you told me, and I accept it completely. Right? Ok, I understand. But, wait a moment, what about the money? Does anyone asked me if I have it? Maybe I am having money for me and my girl(she will not work). I don't want kids, so maybe limit my selection, but this is an untouchable topic, so I take my decisions and go one this way. If I can just support me and my future wife, why should I f@@cked up, to be a good supplier to her parents? I honor them, I want to help, but I can't. Why somebody told me that there is a new barrier for me? 'Hey my friend, you know, you could support you and your girl, but....this is not enough!'. Why???? I mean, thank you for telling me. But do you tell me that I don't have chance to have a girl, because I am not having the money to send to her family? Is it fair? I wish I was a millionaire, to send them a lot! I would do it. But if I am struggling to support myself and my girl, should I die trying to support additional others?
At least, it was supposed that even the poorest man could have a poor filipina girl. Wrong?
Once again, I wanna tell, that I am not negative, I love to help people. It even helps my soul as a christian. But I don't think it's possible. Of course, in any disaster I could do my best, for my parents, my brother, my girl, and naturally about her family. But this could be only in exceptional basis. May we seem to be rich by filipino standards, but most of us (at least me) are just middle class citizens in western world, by financial aspect. I am financially independent, I can support myself, and a girl with few requirements, but that's all I can.
I want to respect their traditions. But, I cannot help even my own parents, if they need help! I tell them to accumulate their money for the future hard moments! Thanks God they have their own income so everything is ok from my side. But, if I cant help my own parents, should I be able to support my girl's parents? I want it but I cant! So? I will sacrifice many of my needs to support my girl, but somewhere there, there is a red line in my finance, at least in my current finance. So?
I think there is lot of misunderstanding about all this. Are you saying that poor filipinos dont marry
Unless they are prepared to finance in-laws ?
How about your own parents, is women expected to support your family?
What if you have just enough money to support yourself and your wife?
Probem with expats is that they tend to attract very poor girls and these girls tell them how its part of culture or tradition to give money on a regular basis. Taking advantage of foreigner 101
mentor wrote:
I want to respect their traditions. But, I cannot help even my own parents, if they need help! I tell them to accumulate their money for the future hard moments! Thanks God they have their own income so everything is ok from my side. But, if I cant help my own parents, should I be able to support my girl's parents? I want it but I cant! So? I will sacrifice many of my needs to support my girl, but somewhere there, there is a red line in my finance, at least in my current finance. So?
I am really confused with this axis.
You're confused for two reasons: 1 - you've never been to the Philippines and had a relationship with a Filipina - so get on a plane; 2 - As I said before you are over thinking this and trying to compare to what you might do in your home country.
You absolutely, positively have the right to set a budget and stick to it (or like the rest of us try to stick to it). But depending on what woman you are with, priorities will change. One Filipina might want fancy clothing, jewelry and electronics. Another might be happy if you help her family - just a little bit. Most Western women are in the former category; I prefer the latter.
The problem with most Westerners in a 3rd world country is that they will never understand or attempt to understand the culture. You can choose to understand or not; the former will make you very happy with a Filipina; the latter will not.
Let me try one last example. My wife works very hard in the US for a very small amount by Western standards. She spends a pittance on clothing for herself, occasional female items, and occasional presents for her husband who gets embarrassed as he doesn't need them and only needs her. She saves the rest. She has a goal and is determined to hit it before she stops working. In the last year she's saved a large amount. I know that she is saving this money to ensure some of her needs in the future and needs or emergencies for her family. I am very proud of her. A Westerner socks away a few bucks and spends it on some crap he doesn't even need. A good Filipina saves it for a rainy day or to help less fortunate family members. If you consider that attitude to be a bad thing you will not be happy with a Filipina. Me? I consider it a great thing!
The_Adventurer wrote:So do Chinese. I don't know where some people get the idea that only Filipinos do that. I know Chinese guys in their 30's who won't get married yet because they know they must support their own parents and the wife's parents. I have a friend whose wife has a great job in the video game industry and they still fight because he doesn't give her money. She doesn't even need it! It's just cultural.
This is very true. I used to be married to a Chinese woman and we sent $500 USD monthly to her parents, even though they didn't need it.
My wife is constantly trying to push me to send money to my parents in America. I keep trying to explain to her, "They have way more than us Honey..."
“Booty is so strong that there are dudes willing to blow themselves up for the highly unlikely possibility of booty in another dimension." -- Joe Rogan
