Matching Adult Children Up for Marriage

[MrMan]

My wife met an Indonesian woman and her kids at a prayer meeting or something like that. She was talking about how her college-aged daughter was so sweet, kind, obedient to her mother, etc., and wanted to match her up with my son who is the same age. My son is a quiet calm young man, not the smooth-talking type. We haven't had our kids dating, but he's old enough now to start thinking about that.

Their visit was kind of rushed, and a lot of it was in Indonesian, which my son doesn't understand much of. I am also thinking he might end up with a girl at church, too. So I am not really on board with actually pushing an 'arranged marriage' type situation. Some Indonesians are into parent-arranged marriages. It seems to be more of a village thing. I'm not sure about this family's people group.

They do seem like nice people. My son seems to like the girl for looks, etc. The girl has not been in the US that long and lives with family. It seems very likely that she would be a virgin. The women did some cooking and she was right there in the kitchen with them. Indonesian girls tend to be well-trained unless they grow up with maids and nannies, and even some of those girls are. Her family is apparently well-to-do, but did not raise her to be dependent on nannies and maids.

I wonder about some people on this forum who are looking for a woman. If your parents, friends, or relatives had introduced you to some sweet young thing whose parents, friends, or relatives did the same with the expectation that it is okay for the two to be a couple of that might not make things a whole lot easier.

I would not have liked the idea myself as a young man. I was way too particular about looks for someone to match me up. I'd want a 9 or 10, based on my tastes, with only certain builds I liked, plus all the character stuff. There was this one girl with a big nose at church my mom kept suggesting for me when I was about 14. She saw her again when she was 16 or so and didn't mention it again. The nose thing ceased to look cute to my mom when she got older.

I threaten to match my girls up, and I am quick to remind them that I don't have a sense of whether a guy is good-looking or not. I would like to have a hand in it, or at least approve of matches, but find men my girls like for looks and personality.

What do you single men thing? If parents were more involved in this but were sensitive to your personality and looks preferences, do you think that would be better to the way things are done in the west now?

I suppose you could go to a foreign country where parents are involved in matching people up, get friendly with a man you know has a beautiful daughter, and try to approach it from that angle. If you are the girl's type that might be a way to fast track things for marriage if that is what you are looking for

Even if it is more of a blind date type thing than an arranged marriage, in cultures where girls are taught to highly respect their parents and they are to be involved in marriage decisions, having a parent or even a cousin or aunt recommend you as a potential match might help a young woman take you more seriously. But if you are not serious and honorable about it, you can burn a lot of relationship bridges.

[Outcast9428]

@MrMan

I know you posted this awhile ago but I'll still answer...

Personally I'd be thrilled if my parents matched me up with a nice girl. Matching your son up with a girl doesn't mean you are forcing him to marry her, its just introducing her to him and maybe setting up a marriage for them if they get along well.

I think its very smart of you to at least screen every guy your daughters date if not match them up with somebody yourself. Like I said, you're not forcing them to do anything but if you find somebody who seems like a good candidate for your son or daughter... Why not?

What's your personal opinion on arranged marriage as a general practice?

[MrMan]

@MrMan
What's your personal opinion on arranged marriage as a general practice?

I thin arranged marriage can be a good 'system' but it seems to work if the rest of society (or a subculture) is doing it and it seems normal to the participants. I also wonder if it would work better in a society where we aren't inundated with images of people from the top 10% of looks in society in ads and on TV, movies, etc.

I remember as a young teen, my mom pointed out this other teenage girl at church and said, "Don't you think she's cute.' She had kind of a big nose that didn't appeal to me, and the girl was following me around, obviously interested in me. We moved and went to church elsewhere. A couple of years later when we were both about 16 or 17 or so, her family started to go to our new church. My mom said she didn't think she looked as cute anymore. Maybe she had some 'little kid cute' left that I couldn't see at 14, but to me she looked the same. Nice girl, though. I've got nothing against her, just not my type looks wise. She was dating this guy who lived elsewhere, but one of my friends at church said the girl told her she used to have a big crush on me. I was glad she was dating some other guy.

Anyway, I wouldn't want my parents to have set me up with some girl behind a veil and I only got to see her face after the wedding.

Some matching up goes on in my wife's people-group. But it's usually after people have passed their prime. If they get a bit past 30, they start talking about matching them up with a cousin or your cousin's cousin on their side of the family or something like that. But it seems to be a voluntary thing. One of my wife's prettier cousins was matched up with a man through the family network in her early 20's. I was told his family was well-to-do. I don't know the details. I just heard that. Their house wasn't a mansion or anything like that, just a normal middle class house.

[Outcast9428]

@MrMan
What's your personal opinion on arranged marriage as a general practice?

I thin arranged marriage can be a good 'system' but it seems to work if the rest of society (or a subculture) is doing it and it seems normal to the participants. I also wonder if it would work better in a society where we aren't inundated with images of people from the top 10% of looks in society in ads and on TV, movies, etc.

I remember as a young teen, my mom pointed out this other teenage girl at church and said, "Don't you think she's cute.' She had kind of a big nose that didn't appeal to me, and the girl was following me around, obviously interested in me. We moved and went to church elsewhere. A couple of years later when we were both about 16 or 17 or so, her family started to go to our new church. My mom said she didn't think she looked as cute anymore. Maybe she had some 'little kid cute' left that I couldn't see at 14, but to me she looked the same. Nice girl, though. I've got nothing against her, just not my type looks wise. She was dating this guy who lived elsewhere, but one of my friends at church said the girl told her she used to have a big crush on me. I was glad she was dating some other guy.

Anyway, I wouldn't want my parents to have set me up with some girl behind a veil and I only got to see her face after the wedding.

Some matching up goes on in my wife's people-group. But it's usually after people have passed their prime. If they get a bit past 30, they start talking about matching them up with a cousin or your cousin's cousin on their side of the family or something like that. But it seems to be a voluntary thing. One of my wife's prettier cousins was matched up with a man through the family network in her early 20's. I was told his family was well-to-do. I don't know the details. I just heard that. Their house wasn't a mansion or anything like that, just a normal middle class house.

It’s funny how out of all the traditional values, the “women should cover up” value is admittedly the one I feel the least enthusiastic about. The really poofy dresses that women wore in the 1800s look kind of ugly to me and I think the Islamic rules in particular make it difficult to actually assess your potential wife’s looks.

India is the only country outside of the Middle East though where most marriages are still arranged and they’re also the only country in the world with an almost universal marriage rate. Only 2% of men and 1% of women have never married by the age of 40 so I do think it’s a good system.

Where would you say the line is between a girl having a reasonable expectation for her husband to provide for her as opposed to just being greedy? If she is very pretty would you say that changes what kind of expectations are reasonable.