Stressed and need some moral support

[Think Different]

As many of you know, I've been unemployed for almost a year, have my first child (a boy) on the way at the end of September, and my wife and I are planning on moving back to Italy, to move in with her family. I think the stress of it all - selling the house, furniture, cars, packing, shipping the 3 pets, baby coming, etc., etc. is getting to me.

I find myself continually doubting my decision and just needed to hear from others that I'm making the right choice. My wife supports me, but my American friends and family all tell me we're insane. It's the same old "everything outside of America is unlivable" crap. I've lived abroad and I know what reality is, but I think my concerns are this:

- It's a major hit to my pride to go from a 6-figure income, a huge house in the Rockies, and wonderful lifestyle I love, to having to sell everything and move in with the in-laws
- I doubt I'll find an intellectually appropriate job in Italy, like I had here, or find one that pays decently (again my pride here...)
- Having to live with another man in the house (my father-in-law), who's a nice enough guy, but two men in the house can cause a lot of friction, especially when it comes to authority over raising the child (and it's his house anyhow).
- Her family lives in a smallish village, and I'm afraid of getting "trapped" in a dead end with lots of old people around me.
- Italy is corrupt and has a terrible job outlook (not better than here, at least).

I'm trying to stay positive, since I don't really see any other options for us, at this point. Sometimes, I wish we could just get out right away, but there's too much to do and it can't all get done overnight. If there child weren't on the way, we'd be gone by now, but we need to take it easy for now.

Any tips for staying positive about this? I just need a little positive reinforcement that we're doing the right thing. Rationally, I know it's the right call, especially given the lack of any doors opening for me here, or anywhere in the US. But emotionally, all this stuff is making me a nervous wreck.

I've had job recruiters basically tell me to my face that I'm "weird". They wouldn't elaborate on it, so I don't know what they meant. Perhaps because I am not a typical American and don't fit into or play the BS games that Americans play. Who knows.

[Winston]

You just need to take it one day at a time.

Swallow the decision. Does it flow down your system smoothly? That's how you make tough decisions. One will feel more right than the other. One flows while the other doesn't. You gotta trust your gut instinct and intuition, it has connection to a higher source.

Either way, this isn't permanent right? How big is the place you're going to move to? Is it a small house?

In Italy, can't you teach English or become a guard at a museum? I heard there are tons of museums everywhere.

Eventually you can rent your own place. A small house is best, so it's manageable and easy to clean. No one really needs a big house, unless there's a lot of people.

If you feel stressed, do some meditation, take walks out in nature, spend less time indoors with all that cement and concrete around. Listen to some relaxing music too. You need to find your center, your balance. Live in the present. Try to be nonjudgmental about it all.

Who are these job recruiters? Why do they have a problem with you going overseas?

You should be glad. A house is a burden. Some say it's like a stone around your neck. Best to move around with light loads.

Aren't you happy in Italy? Lots of rich culture there. You can go anywhere else in Europe too. Eastern Europe is cheaper to live in too. Think of this as a launching point.

[Jackal]

I find myself continually doubting my decision and just needed to hear from others that I'm making the right choice. My wife supports me, but my American friends and family all tell me we're insane.

Well, you have to ask yourself why you are doubting your decision. If you're only doubting it because of what other Americans say to you about it, then you shouldn't worry because they're wrong and you'll leave them and their culture far behind soon. If, on the other hand, you are doubting your decision because of your own reasons, then that's something you need to think about carefully. Nobody else can know exactly what the right thing for you is.

I don't have any children, but if I did have a child, I would want him or him to grow up in Europe with access to good education and the opportunity to become fluent in one or many foreign languages.

Any tips for staying positive about this? I just need a little positive reinforcement that we're doing the right thing. Rationally, I know it's the right call, especially given the lack of any doors opening for me here, or anywhere in the US. But emotionally, all this stuff is making me a nervous wreck.

Yes, moving is always stressful. I can't imagine what it must be like with a family!

I practice Tibetan Buddhism and here are instructions for basic breathing meditation which I've given to several of my friends (note: all breathing is done through the nose only):

When you decide to meditate, the first step is to choose a meditation posture. The most important point is to have a straight back. If you like, you can sit in a chair if it causes you pain to sit cross-legged. I usually use this sitting posture because I'm not so flexible. http://www.zencenterofdenver.org/revisi ... urmese.jpg
However, I put my hands on my knees because this is my sangha's tradition. Keep your eyes open and gaze down at a spot about 2 meters in front of you but don't focus your eyes on anything in particular. Close your lips, but not your teeth. Place your tongue just behind your upper teeth. Relax.

Here is a nice little practice to do before meditating (or whenever you feel like it throughout the day) to purify the energies in your body:
Do this 3 times:
-Exhale somewhat forcefully and completely (it takes about 3 seconds) while visualizing that you are exhaling all the negative energies which cause sickness and other problems.
-Inhale slowly but completely (this will me much slower than the exhalation was) and visualize that you are filling up with the positive, pure, healing energy of all Buddhas and wise beings.

Afterwards, feel that you have been purified.

Here is a very simple version of Shinay (calming meditation) which my lama taught me:
-When you exhale, feel yourself relaxing and dissolving more and more.
-When you inhale, just rest and do absolutely nothing.
-If you notice a thought of yours, just think "thought" and feel that you are letting go of it with the next exhalation.
-Similarly, if you hear something, just think "sound" and feel that you are letting go of it with the next exhalation. If seeing something, "sight," etc.

Don't fight your thoughts just be aware of them. Meditating should feel like "coming home." It should be a relaxing break from all your planning and mental activity. Enjoy the chance to rest your mind.

Here is another meditation you can do which is called tonglen. It's one of my favorite meditations and I feel it helped me deal with all the stress of my first year abroad.

Relax and breathe naturally. Observe your thoughts. If you notice a negative thought or a negative feeling or sensation, then when you breathe in, imagine that you are breathing it into your body and that it is like black smoke. Then imagine that your mind purifies this negative energy so that it disappears after it's inside you. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are breathing out clear, bright, clean, positive energy to all living creatures (this includes yourself). If you don't have a negative thought while you're inhaling, then simply do nothing and wait until your exhalation.

People might say, "Oh, that's just pretending," but it has a very real effect on the mind if it's practiced regularly.

Another point is that you should breathe naturally while meditating (except when doing the three cleansing breaths at the beginning). Many people make the mistake of forcing themselves to breathe a certain way. If your posture is good and you're relaxed, then your natural breathing will automatically be good breathing.

I've had job recruiters basically tell me to my face that I'm "weird". They wouldn't elaborate on it, so I don't know what they meant. Perhaps because I am not a typical American and don't fit into or play the BS games that Americans play. Who knows.

That reminds me of my senior year in high school in the US. It was so obvious what many of my classmates were going to study in college: there was a history guy, a computer guy, a psychology girl, a business girl, etc. But when my classmates looked at me, they said, "We have no idea what you'll end up doing" because I had such varied interests and different views of the world.

But keep in mind that one culture's "weird" is another culture's "normal."

Hang in there, bro.

[dano]

You should find out how much social assistance Italy offers. With some european countries you can make more money collecting welfare checks than you can by working. Also, find out what trades and jobs are in demand in Italy.

If things don't workout for you you can always teach english in Korea, Taiwan, China etc....

I hope things get better for you soon.

[momopi]

I find myself continually doubting my decision and just needed to hear from others that I'm making the right choice. My wife supports me, but my American friends and family all tell me we're insane. It's the same old "everything outside of America is unlivable" crap. I've lived abroad and I know what reality is, but I think my concerns are this:

- It's a major hit to my pride to go from a 6-figure income, a huge house in the Rockies, and wonderful lifestyle I love, to having to sell everything and move in with the in-laws

Hi Red Dog,

In life we make choices for ourselves, and live with the consequences. If you made the decision to move to Italy, just accept whatever comes, good or bad. You're going to experience culture shock and that's perfectly normal.

When I was laid off from my 6-figure job last year (I spent >12 years at that company), I had an opportunity to attend culinary school near Lucca (Tuscany, Italy). But it was quite expensive and I opted not to go. In retro-spec, if I had went, I'd have probably enjoyed the experience, sampled wines at Bolgheri, went shopping on market day in Pietrasanta, meet up with my geeky friends at the Lucca Comics and Games convention, and so on.

Don't worry about peer-approval from your friends and family in the states. Remember that you're leaving them behind and they'd be of small consequence. Go and enjoy your new life and experiences in Italy. Ask your in-laws how to make fresh aioli sauce -- great with lamb! It's better than sitting exactly where you are today and wondering "d@mn maybe I should've went".

[Adama]

Do you have savings?

You can get a job here in the states. It will just be a McJob though. If your house is paid for, why do you need to move?

[Think Different]

Thanks guys. No, my house here is not paid for. I've only "owned it" for 6.5 years. Yes, we have savings, but not enough to pay off the mortgage balance. Plus, I don't trust that life here isn't going to become miserable soon, given the expiring tax breaks, new tax laws, etc. in the US. (Did you know that the "death tax" kicks in on Jan 1, which will give the gov't 55% of your estate, once you die? Check this past weekend's Wall Street Journal. Right now, it's 0%, but the administration needs to get money from somewhere to get out of the debt hole.)

The in-laws in Italy have a nice-sized $1M end-unit townhouse with yard (for the child and dog to play). They paid for their house in cash (scrimped and saved their whole lives), and so there is no mortgage. My wife will inherit it.

I also toyed with staying here and struggling at multiple McJobs to try to squeeze by, but we'd have had to downsize to a tiny apartment or something anyhow. I think the choice to go to Italy is the best all-around for the family. Plus, selling the house for a profit, pocketing the money, and leaving, sounds nice. The bad part is having to swallow my pride (and the work involved in moving).

I do speak several foreign languages and have traveled extensively in Europe, so I pretty much know what to expect. I'm going to try to focus on using a few contacts I have in Europe to find a better job there than a McJob. At 40, I think I'm still young enough to start a new career, if I had the opportunity.

[momopi]

Have a look at the following. Might give you some ideas about Italian wine and its export potential.

See if you can "connect' with the author and publishing house (Kodansha) for Kami no Shizuku (Les Gouttes de Dieu) -- ask if they have an authorized Mainland China edition for the tankōbon's.

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http://in.reuters.com/article/idINIndia-47476420100406

http://www.mercurynews.com/libations/ci ... ck_check=1

U.S. wine exports to china

Only national figures are available, but Linsey Gallagher, director of international marketing for Wine Institute, a trade group representing more than 1,000 California wineries, says 90 to 95 percent of U.S. wine exports are from California.
2009: $35.6 million
2008: $21.7 million
2007: $16.2 million
2006: $9.3 million
2005: $6 million
2004: $5.6 million


China"s wine market

Here are the shares of China"s rapidly growing imported bottled wine market held by various countries in 2008, the last year for which there is complete data:
France: 46 percent
Australia: 20 percent
Italy: 8 percent
United States: 5 percent
Chile: 5 percent
Spain: 4 percent
All other: 12 percent


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Gouttes_de_Dieu

[Think Different]

Momopi, this is a great idea! One thing I've been certain about after moving to Italy, is that I want to start taking intensive lessons in Mandarin Chinese. After my trip there last year, I really want to stay connected to the country, it's culture, and it's growing business potential (i.e. middle class there is thriving, whereas it's dying in the West). I know I can't get far without the language skills. I also have a multimillionaire friend in Germany who is doing import/export work (creates his own networks) with the US. Maybe I can hook up with him and get something going.

[momopi]

Momopi, this is a great idea! One thing I've been certain about after moving to Italy, is that I want to start taking intensive lessons in Mandarin Chinese. After my trip there last year, I really want to stay connected to the country, it's culture, and it's growing business potential (i.e. middle class there is thriving, whereas it's dying in the West). I know I can't get far without the language skills. I also have a multimillionaire friend in Germany who is doing import/export work (creates his own networks) with the US. Maybe I can hook up with him and get something going.

Congratulations, you'll be in Italy, one of the greatest wine-producing regions in the world!

Italian wines are still relatively unknown in China, so if you want to export, you'd probably need to publish some consumer education materials, i.e. difference between French AOC vs. Italian DOCG. Also, if you hook up with your friend in Germany, German wines are even less-known in China.

[Jackal]

And don't forget the Hungarian wine!


This is a dry red Hungarian wine called Egri Bikavér, which means "Bull's Blood from Eger (a city)." I always think the picture of the bull looks badass. I think "Bull's blood" would translate very nicely into Chinese!

[Master]

I wont say much but a few words......

What are you really stressed about? Being caged up or something? If you want to really be stressed look at the world around you and pick up the newspaper. That will give you a new perspective on your pride. Be a man and take one step out of a time. It doesnt seem like you have a choice and this trip looks like a lot of fun if you actually saw it that way. Stop worrying to much and enjoy yourself. You might be for a fun ride.

[gsjackson]

On the estate tax in the U.S. -- it applies only to estates valued at over $3.5 million. The first 3.5 mil is not taxed at all, and then it is a graduated scale up to 45 percent of the last dollar, under the Obama proposal.

Random responses to your dilemma. Your doubts are all points of pride engendered by an American scheme of status values. Extended families living together in Italy are common, and presumably they work the dynamics out a little better than a collection of Americans would. And there's no reason to think of that living arrangement as permanent. Honestly, you have no idea how young 40 is, if you can hang on to your health, which should be easier in Europe. Where do you want your kid to grow up? Where do you see a better fundamental base of values for a young persson to take on?

[Master]

Good post.

A strange pride engendered by an American scheme of status values. Whod think of that? HA!

[gsjackson]

One other point: If you've been unemployed for a year, with all the despondency that often entails -- especially in the U.S. where people define themselves by their job -- and you aren't being terrrorized on a regular basis by your wife, then I think you've found a keeper wife and a keeper culture in the one that produced her. Most American women would have either left you by now, or be giving you unshirted hell every day. Count your blessings.