Any of you had a mid-life crisis? How did u get over it?

[Winston]

Hi all,
I woke up this morning feeling depressed, after a depressing dream. When I woke up, I was confused about where I was, because I thought my dream was the real world. It took me a while to remember who I was again.

Then I felt the depression of a mid-life crisis. Have any of you ever had one? If so, what was it like? And how did you get through it?

Do you ever feel like your life is passing you by? That you never got to do what your young heart dreamed of? Sad isn't it?

I'm guessing that the typical man in mid-life who has a career and family will think:

"What happened to those dreams I had of being rich, of travel and adventure? I'm just living this monotonous routine of overwork with a boring wife I stopped having sex with long ago. What a bummer. I feel so tied down, not free. It wasn't worth working so hard all these years just to buy so much useless junk and luxury items. All that stuff wasn't worth the stress I put up with and the precious years I lost that I'll never get back. I also miss the thrill of romance, seduction, conquest, love at first sight, etc. But I'm married for life, which bars me from all that, and not young and good looking anymore. I miss being in love. The pain and glory made me feel alive. But now my life is just a rut. It really sucks."

On the flip side, the guy who never had a normal life, but lived as a hippie, starving artist, vagabond, or just unconventionally with only a few thousand dollars in assets at a time, would be thinking:

"What happened to my life? Here I am in mid life, and I have no career, family or assets to boast, like normal people do. I have my own accomplishments, but none that the mainstream media would be impressed with. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a wasted loser, like society would label me? Has my life been a waste? I've gone against everything I've been taught. Was it really worth it? Have I missed out on normal life? Will I die alone and forgotten?"

What do you all think? Any of you fit in either of those categories? Anything you want to share? I know this is one of those touchy subjects that most guys are too macho to talk about. But we all have such thoughts, right?

[momopi]

Go do something productive with your time. You can try volunteer work, I volunteered at Project Angel Food in LA and work/company sponsored volunteer events at Habitat for Humanity. They have chapters around the globe, including China, Japan, Vietnam, Philippines, Thailand, etc:

http://www.habitatchina.org/eng/
http://www.habitatjp.org/
http://www.habitatvietnam.org/
http://www.habitat.org.ph/site/index.php
http://www.habitatthailand.org/index_en.php?

http://www.habitat.org/gv/default.aspx <--- Global Village Program

Write to them and see if they'd accept you as a volunteer to foreign country. Go swing a hammer and learn how to build houses, meet new people, make new friends. If you're ambitious, you can ask them if they'd let you setup a chapter in Taiwan.











There are many other organizations and programs. Google them and see if you find anything interesting.

[Think Different]

Winston, the key problem with both your scenarios (both of which are very realistic), is what momopi hinted at: if you live just for yourself, you will always be dissatisfied. Cynical and jaded people will think the idea is too "Pollyanna", but think about taking 6 months or a few years and work for a charity or join the Peace Corps, HFH, etc. and help others that are less fortunate than you. I've done volunteer charity work before and while it was hard at times, they were the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I look back on those times with great fondness and memories. It's a way to live life with no regrets. Most people feel in a rut at some point in their life, so if you feel like you're in a rut, you need to change your path.

[ladislav]

A religious man who devotes a significant part of his life to benefiting others does not have a midlife crisis. He also realizes the ephemeral nature of the things that society deems to be the measure of success.

While helping others to achieve their goals he also owns to himself to make 'his own' dreams come true;not the ones society thinks he should be making come true. I am blessed with the fact that many people consider me a weirdo/crazy because I like things that are unconventional And I reach my own goals sooner or later. I am not here to get the approval of the bourgeoisie and I always ask myself what I really want. What I myself have wanted, I have always achieved but what others wanted me to be/have, I have never succeeded at being/having and it is just as well because, now, at 51 I am glad I did not/have not.
I am also glad that yesterday I was on a date ( basically, hanging out) with three 18-21 year old waitresses from a local fast food restaurant. And I am happy that I am not shackled by a mortgage and that I do not have a 49 year old post-menopause wife at home with a couple of kids that give me the same hard time I 'd given my parents when I was growing up. Life is blessedly constructed in such a way that for every minus there must be a plus and vice versa.

I have tried to do it their way and I did not like the direction I was going in. I did it my way, got what I wanted and I liked it.

The only thing I regret is not having as much money in the bank as I used to have but I am working on that.

And Winston, you have been doing work for other people's sake by setting up this HA site. So, you have done a lot for others even though you and others think you are selfish. If you were really selfish you would be just like so many other expats with the "I am all right Jack!", attitude who do not share, do not help others with advice and who just enjoy the girls, the booze and the travel for themselves. You have been living for others in a big way, too. And you have spent money and thousands of man hours consulting people for free and enlightening them. You have, unwittingly maybe, been promoting the social/romantic aspect of the great globalization that is going on and fighting narrow-minded nationalism, provincialism and loneliness. Because of you, somewhere children have been born that were never meant to be born, you have given hope and dignity to huge numbers of lonely, miserable people that no one cares about. Even though you are thrifty with your money, you are very generous with your time and knowledge.

And you did not have to do any of this, did you? You could have just done what other people are doing- taking care of themselves, using all that time doing things that will bring them wealth and houses and getting properly married and all. Living the life of a squirrel or a butterfly. You did not have to inspire others, did you? But no matter what other people say, you have been living the life of a great meaning and many people benefited from it.

As far as being frustrated, when I go to a go go bar I see all these men that look like they are of my grandfather's generation having a great time. Such bars are a great therapy for the mid life crisis.

[Winston]

Go do something productive with your time. You can try volunteer work, I volunteered at Project Angel Food in LA and work/company sponsored volunteer events at Habitat for Humanity. They have chapters around the globe, including China, Japan, Vietnam, Philippines, Thailand, etc:

http://www.habitatchina.org/eng/
http://www.habitatjp.org/
http://www.habitatvietnam.org/
http://www.habitat.org.ph/site/index.php
http://www.habitatthailand.org/index_en.php?

http://www.habitat.org/gv/default.aspx <--- Global Village Program

Write to them and see if they'd accept you as a volunteer to foreign country. Go swing a hammer and learn how to build houses, meet new people, make new friends. If you're ambitious, you can ask them if they'd let you setup a chapter in Taiwan.

WTF???????!!!!!!!!!!!! What does that have to do with anything? I thought you were practical. How is doing that going to help me? Illogical. I'm not a charity. My time is valuable. Wasting it ends up in regret. Doing volunteer work does not help someone's mid life crisis. Where does it say that? That makes no sense. I told you, my life is three years behind schedule. Why would I want to willingly waste more time like that? How would I be able to fix something that breaks down on this site if I was away doing volunteer work? In a way, I am already doing volunteer work by helping lonely single men at a dead end, with this site. Geez. Haven't you noticed that? I'm helping people in a way that these volunteer groups ARE NOT!

What if this forum goes down while I'm away volunteering, and all the guys start complaining? Are you going to fix it for me?

Don't you know, volunteer work is one of those things you do if your heart is into it. You don't do it if it's not. That's common wisdom.

Imagine me going there, and volunteering, and quitting after I realize it's not what I want to do. Then they ask me, "Well why did you come then?" and I reply, "Because someone on the internet told me to." Wouldn't I look like a dumbass? lol

I have important travel plans that I made 3 years ago, but something keeps sidetracking me. Sheesh. Why do you want to make it worse? WTF?!

I didn't ask for advice in this thread. I asked how YOU got through it and if YOU ever had one, and what thoughts you had. Etc. Why don't you address the question directly, instead of sidetracking into an irrelevant area. Totally illogical.

The purpose in life is to accomplish your objectives, not to do something irrelevant and waste time. Time is money, or it's doing something you want.

Plus, if I didn't want to do that, a forum post isn't going to make me interested in it. Come on now. Be realistic. ::::: shaking head ::::::

[Winston]

Winston, the key problem with both your scenarios (both of which are very realistic), is what momopi hinted at: if you live just for yourself, you will always be dissatisfied. Cynical and jaded people will think the idea is too "Pollyanna", but think about taking 6 months or a few years and work for a charity or join the Peace Corps, HFH, etc. and help others that are less fortunate than you. I've done volunteer charity work before and while it was hard at times, they were the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I look back on those times with great fondness and memories. It's a way to live life with no regrets. Most people feel in a rut at some point in their life, so if you feel like you're in a rut, you need to change your path.

I'm not in a rut. I know what I want to do. I just have heavy regrets about hundreds of things in the past, and they often replay over and over again in my mind, as I try to imagine it going a different way. And I feel that too much time is slipping by. And sometimes I question my past. Don't you ever do that too? People are always seeing the grass as greener on the other side.

[Winston]

I showed this thread to one of my favorite philosophers, Darryl Sloan. Here is his reply:

"This is what you call "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Dissatisfaction of one kind or another is fundamental to life. In fact, it's the driving force of desire, which is what makes for a vital existence. The feeling of lack is entirely natural. It should be a motivator, not a depressor.

Darryl"

[MrPeabody]

How about this? You notice that every man gave his advice on how to fix the problem but nobody actually volunteered their own feelings. Women would have immediately used the opportunity to express their own experiences. I think I read about that once in "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars".

[momopi]

I have important travel plans that I made 3 years ago, but something keeps sidetracking me. Sheesh. Why do you want to make it worse? WTF?!

So, tell us about these travel plans.

I'm not in a rut. I know what I want to do. I just have heavy regrets about hundreds of things in the past, and they often replay over and over again in my mind, as I try to imagine it going a different way. And I feel that too much time is slipping by. And sometimes I question my past. Don't you ever do that too? People are always seeing the grass as greener on the other side.

好馬不吃回頭草 / hǎo mǎ bù chī huí tóu cǎo / A good horse will not return to graze on grass that he has already passed by
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%A5%BD ... D%E8%8D%89
http://baike.baidu.com/view/39176.htm

[momopi]

How about this? You notice that every man gave his advice on how to fix the problem but nobody actually volunteered their own feelings. Women would have immediately used the opportunity to express their own experiences. I think I read about that once in "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars".

The author made a series of videos many years ago, I watched it on VHS. In vol 1 he made the funny comment about the wife coming home to complain about stuff and the husband gets up and tries to fix or find solutions. The harder he tries, the more pissed off his wife gets, because she is really looking for some TLC.

[onezero4u]

fyre please dont hold anything back on your first post....just speak your mind haha.

about mid life crisis...why not set your OWN goals and work to reach them. and if you do, great....if not...just blame yourself and redo new goals.

IOW my guess is mid-life crisis is a choice based on your life and life choices in the first 40 odd years...maybe a wakeup call if youve been f***ing off on fulfilling your "bucket list" so to speak

[well-informed]

"I'm not a charity. My time is valuable"


What exactly is it that you do in your valuable spare time again Winston.

- Wanking yourself 1-2 times a day everyday
-Taking 6 month sabbaticals to your parents house in Taiwan every year
- Not spending any time or energy with your stupid bastard son.
- Constantly complaining and bitching about your health, why restaurant prices are too high, why human beings are weird, why you're having a mid-life crisis with many regrets, etc.
- Always bringing up those travel plans, seems like you've been talking about those plans for a while now
- You don't have a traditional job in the sense that you're not expected to trade your time in exchange for money

So don't have the freaking audacity to tell me and us that your time is valuable ok. You do basically nothing productive in life but chill and complain about so many things. It's incredible how much you complain. How high are your estrogen levels, seriously go check that out with your doctor or something.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

There is no such thing as a "mid life crisis." That is a term that women use to denigrate men who dare to do what they want to do at middle age. If you want a sports car, if you want to screw young women, if you want to live the carefree lifestyle until you die, you do it because you want to do it and without apologies.

Women shame men into being or staying settled down at middle age. Most men buy into that shame and feel guilty about the so called "mid life crisis."

Depression is another issue altogether. It is related to lack of personal fulfillment. Perhaps the people, the environment, or the circumstances around you are making you depressed. What you need to do is remove the depressive stimuli from your life and move on. That could mean moving, divorcing, changing jobs, careers, etc.

[Winston]

I have important travel plans that I made 3 years ago, but something keeps sidetracking me. Sheesh. Why do you want to make it worse? WTF?!

So, tell us about these travel plans.

I'm not in a rut. I know what I want to do. I just have heavy regrets about hundreds of things in the past, and they often replay over and over again in my mind, as I try to imagine it going a different way. And I feel that too much time is slipping by. And sometimes I question my past. Don't you ever do that too? People are always seeing the grass as greener on the other side.

好馬不吃回頭草 / hǎo mǎ bù chī huí tóu cǎo / A good horse will not return to graze on grass that he has already passed by
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%A5%BD ... D%E8%8D%89
http://baike.baidu.com/view/39176.htm

I've told everyone about them hundreds of times. Go to China. If I don't like it there, then go to Europe, and the rest of the world. Etc. That's been my goal all along. But the list of things to do keep piling up the last three years. So my life has been on limbo. If I waste too much time, I may regret it in the future if my opportunities dwindle. That's what's giving me anxiety. I told you, I have this OCD thing where certain things have to be done before I can go on to the next step.