Chuck Norris Facts

[The_Hero_of_Men]

Wonder Woman is actually Superman after spending time in prison with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "funeral".

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris was once having sex in an 18 wheeler. Somehow his sperm got into the engine... now this truck is known as Optimus Prime.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Contruary to popular belief, Chuck Norris can polish shit, it's too bad no one can give him any to prove it.

Chuck Norris never wears a condom... because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

Chuck Norris has a pet kitten... every morning for Breakfast.

Chuck Norris was orginally meant to be the final boss of the original The Legend Of Zelda, but that would make/have made the game impossible to beat (even with a Game Genie).

Chuck Norris was supposed to be in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, he was taken out because all of his attacks were One-Hit Kills.

Once, Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. It instantly exploded, because no single place on Earth can contain that level of awesome at once.

ǝɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uı pǝʞɔıʞ ǝsnoɥpunoɹ ʇoƃ ʇsnɾ noʎ 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

The Bush administration once tried using Chuck Norris' stare as a means for interrogation. Due to the inhumane treatment, they now use waterboarding.

During World War 2, the United States originally considered sending Chuck Norris over to Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In the end, they decided to drop nukes on those cities because it would have been more humane.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting (the word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure). Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris had to stop making movies. Too many casualties in the end.

At the end of every episode of Walker, Texas Ranger those aren't credits-- that is a list of Chuck Norris-related fatalities.

Before every taping of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris has to be injected with 20 times the lethal dose of whale tranquilizer in order not to kill the other actors.

The Boston Red Sox used to be The White Sox until Chuck Norris beat them up until their socks were covered in blood.

Chuck Norris once got the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now know this as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once went to the doctor to get checked for steroids. The doctor came up to him later and said, "Your urine tested positive." Chuck Norris then said, "Of course my urine tested positive! What do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a straight razor.

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby. First on Hiroshima, then on Nagasaki.

If Ex-lax doesn't work, just ask Chuck Norris to scare the crap out of you.

Chuck Norris has just been classified as a laxative by the AMA, because he is always kicking the shit out of people.

Chuck Norris has his own brand of sign language that involves punches and roundhouse kicks. So, the next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, please don't take it personally. He may just be telling you that he likes your clothes.

Chuck Norris killed all birds with two stones... the ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris was once asked to nude-model for Playgirl magazine. He laughed and said, "All the paper in the world will not contain my bearded member." He then proceeded to slay the reporters there simply by unzipping his pants.

70% of the human body's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

They tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

The Jedi Knights from Star Wars actually worshipped Chuck Norris, referring to him as "The Force".

Chuck Norris invented the tooth fairy, as a way to compensate for round house kicking everybody to the face.

Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary…with a Guitar Hero controller!

Chuck Norris’s immune system single-handedly defeated the German army. The rest of the war was just for show.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, it breaks because it is smart enough to know not to get in the middle of Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II� video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,� Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.�

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris makes fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

The first rule of Fight Club is actually “Don’t invite Chuck Norris�.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? He didn’t. All roads cross the path Chuck Norris is heading.

Chuck Norris movies are real. This is why no actor in a Chuck Norris movie has ever won an Oscar.

The Titanic didn’t sink because of an iceberg, Chuck Norris was just out for a swim.

Chuck Norris once impaled a man with a single one of his pubes

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

The Bible was originally titled ‘Chuck Norris and Friends’

Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined ‘victim’ as ‘one who has encountered Chuck Norris’

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze; Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

When you say "no one’s perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books; the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!�

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan� is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.� After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?� he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

…and so, the day before the first one, Chuck Norris said: “Let there be God.�

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Not even light can escape a black hole…but Chuck Norris can.

Chuck Norris doesn’t dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.

Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.�



Feel free to add to this list.

[Think Different]

Good stuff! I miss Mr. T!!

[Adama]

In real life, Chuck Norris is considered to be a language expert. He stars in foreign commercials. Last one is a Czech commercial where he speaks the language. He is supposed to be fluent in lots of languages.