Lawyer Jokes - LOL Hilarious!
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:16 am
Check out these hilarious lawyer jokes. They will make you laugh out loud. LOL. Aren't you guys glad you aren't working in such a lurid amoral slimy profession that destroys your conscience and soul? lol
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Lawyer.htm
http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/ ... Jokes.html
Some of the best ones LOL:
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Final home for lawyers Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Lawyer.htm
http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/ ... Jokes.html
Some of the best ones LOL:
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Final home for lawyers Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.