Lawyer Jokes - LOL Hilarious!

[Winston]

Check out these hilarious lawyer jokes. They will make you laugh out loud. LOL. Aren't you guys glad you aren't working in such a lurid amoral slimy profession that destroys your conscience and soul? lol

http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Lawyer.htm

http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/ ... Jokes.html

Some of the best ones LOL:

The Hundred-Dollar Bill.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Final home for lawyers Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

[Winston]

I wonder why they don't just get rid of the lawyer profession? And then replace it with a group of professional juries known for their impartiality and commitment to justice and fairness. Or just have a professional panel of judges decide each case, a panel made up of philosophers with high intellect, judgement, strong morals and a sense of fairness? And have this panel only receive a fixed salary from the government paid with taxes, so there can be no corruption involved. There must be better solutions than this crooked lawyer system.

[Ghost]

Applies well to flat earthers too.

[Winston]

Applies well to flat earthers too.

What do you mean? Flat Earthers don't try to scam you of all your money. They are merely truth seekers. Why the comparison? Bizarre.

[Banano]

It can be applied to almost any trade or profession, its not just lawyers

Car mechanic,computer technician,plumber,hooker, taxi driver, doctor. They are all crooked to some degree and will rip you off . Its called business

[Winston]

It can be applied to almost any trade or profession, its not just lawyers

Car mechanic,computer technician,plumber,hooker, taxi driver, doctor. They are all crooked to some degree and will rip you off . Its called business

Not true. Not all professions are crooked. I've never had computer technicians scam me. They were always honest about pricing. Computer geeks aren't usually greedy in that way. Plumbers don't either. They usually tell me the price before they start working on a job.

The lawyer profession is infamous for corruption. That's why there are lawyer jokes. Even jokes have truth in them, or they wouldn't exist. Not all professions are equal.

When a Filipino says, "Don't forget my gift. Joke." it's not a total joke either. It's a truth because yes they love receiving gifts. But not all ethnicities say that. Chinese never say that for example. That's considered rude to ask or imply that you want a gift.

Not everything is the same. You are definitely wrong on that.

[gsjackson]

I wonder why they don't just get rid of the lawyer profession? And then replace it with a group of professional juries known for their impartiality and commitment to justice and fairness. Or just have a professional panel of judges decide each case, a panel made up of philosophers with high intellect, judgement, strong morals and a sense of fairness? And have this panel only receive a fixed salary from the government paid with taxes, so there can be no corruption involved. There must be better solutions than this crooked lawyer system.

In some cultures, like Japan, they have a criminal law system such as this that dispenses with idiot juries and lawyers acting as extreme advocates for either side. They also dispense with the rules of evidence. Instead there is a panel of experienced experts that investigates every aspect of the crime, including evidence that wouldn't be admissible in court, and arrives at a conclusion.

Joke told me by a partner in a law firm from which I was renting space (I didn't know it was a joke until he got to the punch line): A client came in the other day for a consultation, asked how much he owed me, and I said a hundred bucks. So he gave me a brand, spanking new 100 dollar bill fresh from the mint. It was so crisp and pristine that I noticed after he left that another brand new 100 dollar bill was stuck to the first. So I called the Bar ethics office for an advisory opinion and asked them if I had to tell Roger (his partner) about the extra hundred.

[pandabear]

Actually, if you're in a position where you absolutely NEED a lawyer, then a good lawyer is worth his weight in gold. I've been there a couple of times, and, boy, did they save my life.

I wonder why they don't just get rid of the lawyer profession? And then replace it with a group of professional juries known for their impartiality and commitment to justice and fairness. Or just have a professional panel of judges decide each case, a panel made up of philosophers with high intellect, judgement, strong morals and a sense of fairness? And have this panel only receive a fixed salary from the government paid with taxes, so there can be no corruption involved. There must be better solutions than this crooked lawyer system.

That isn't going to happen. Judges are there, with a fixed salary from the government. But, they have to base their decisions on the laws and arguments presented during the trial/hearing. Having a lawyer who knows the laws and who knows how to present your arguments can be crucial.

[Moretorque]

I wonder why they don't just get rid of the lawyer profession? And then replace it with a group of professional juries known for their impartiality and commitment to justice and fairness. Or just have a professional panel of judges decide each case, a panel made up of philosophers with high intellect, judgement, strong morals and a sense of fairness? And have this panel only receive a fixed salary from the government paid with taxes, so there can be no corruption involved. There must be better solutions than this crooked lawyer system.

Winston you can have a honest legal system but not if your a vassal of the International money lenders, the legal systems being erected world wide by them are designed to protect their con game and keep them in power.

The whole system from top to bottom is a giant fraud designed to protect them as they suck everything up.

If you have not read the article on the bankruptcy of the United States you should so you have a clearer picture on why the US system is the way it is.

As stated, " Allow me to issue the currency and I care who not makes the laws. "