3 Incompatibilities with Dianne, are they irreconcilable?

[Winston]

Here are some key incompatibilities and differences between what Dianne wants and what I am. Are they irreconcilable? Any possible solutions?

Dianne
- She wants a guy who is 100 percent monogamous and NEVER EVER even looks at other women, not even for a second. She told me this, literally.
- She wants a guy who can spend without limits, who can buy lots of nice things all the time without ever stopping. This not only includes food and entertainment, but also a nice new car or SUV and a house. She wants it all - good food, comfort, car, house, entertainment, nice couch, big flat screen TV, as well as a regular cash allowance on top of all that.
- Her wants and needs and goals are all very materialistic, as you can see. And though she won't admit it, her greed it out of control, to the point where her reason, memory and even dignity are clouded. She does not seek soul fulfillment, but materialistic fulfillment.

Me
- Beautiful girls are my main passion. I live to meet them and I thrive on the new "getting to know you" process, which keeps life stimulating and interesting to me.
- I am frugal by nature and derive more pleasure from saving money than spending it. I will spend big if there's a good reason or necessity, but not to satisfy every craving of another person
- I live and dance to the drum of intellectual, spiritual and artistic pursuits, not materialistic pursuits. Of course I do have materialistic goals and needs, just like everyone, but the point is that my soul does not dance to the rhythm of materialism, not the way hers does.

So what can be done?

Nevertheless, we both love each other and are irresistably bonded by addiction and by a child of course.

She has been told that her needs are better served by finding a rich guy rather than me. That may be true from a practical standpoint. But she won't go out and get a rich guy. For one thing, she doesn't like going out and meeting people, as she is high strung and not that open. And with the rich guys that she has met when she was working in the bar, who showed a strong interest in her, she didn't get good vibes from and had no feelings for them.

Any suggestions?

I guess in the end, it'll come down to whether love is more important to her, or fulfilling her materialistic needs.

Her outlook on life is also different, in the sense that she sees owning a house and car as the ULTIMATE FULFILLMENT in life. But since I grew up in big houses and had cars in my family all my life in Silicon Valley, I am used to those things and do not see such things as an "ultimate fulfillment". I prefer getting back to spiritual roots or seeking some type of soul fulfillment.

Beside that, like I said, her greed lately has been getting out of control to the point where she is pestering me to buy things that she knows intellectually that I cannot afford. Therefore, her reason and sense of reality are becoming clouded and distorted. She wants it all, luxuries and comforts, as well as regular cash allowances. And she has a quick temper that overreacts to little things, that stresses me out sometimes. And of course, she gets violent and slaps me. I wish that would change, but I don't think it can because that's a natural part of her personality.

I also find myself yearning for a light silky skinned Filipina who is sweet, modest, caring, not greedy, and not too poor, who is easy going and doesn't have a bad temper, and easy to get along with. I do see such types everywhere in the normal non-touristy part of town. But they are hard to meet, as they usually only go out with their schoolmates and workmates and aren't that open to meeting strangers. And the girls that are super friendly and open tend to be the poor types that always need money, or those that are looking to move up in status. So it's hard to find a balance or ideal.

But then again, maybe the grass is greener on the other side. So when I'm dating a light skinned Filipina, I start to miss the dark skin types, and vice versa.......

By the way, why is it that I only attract girls who have different values and outlooks than I do? Almost all my girlfriends have been strong materialistic types with no spiritual interests at all. But I have met many spiritually oriented girls who would have been very compatible with me, but the problem was that I wasn't their type or they only liked me as a friend or brother. Weird huh? If you remember during my USA road trip, the Adia girl I met in Oregon and carpooled with was one example of that. Of course, the girls who go to hippie peace and love concerts and join eco-movements are non-materialistic types too. But they are druggies who like alternative looking type of guys, the kind that look very delinquent in society. Kind of sucks huh?

Any suggestions?

[Grunt]

Here Winston, slide these handcuffs on, not too tight? And the noose too, see how light and comfortable that is? Now drink this strange green fluid, don't worry about a thing. Your life insurance is paid up, right?

If my wife did 1/100th of the things your girl did, shed be looking at some serious and dire consequences. And she knows that. The same cannot be said for Dianne it would seem.

Anyhow, I gotta hand it to ya, Winston. You start with a winning combination, American passport, a bit of cash, a fair degree of youth, above average intelligence, not too horribly ugly, and you somehow manage to parlay it into a one way ticket straight into the pits of hell.

You snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!

We can at the very least learn from your error, and thus become less likely to repeat it.

[Winston]

I was going to say that your best practical option is for you two to separate, and buy off Dianne and her family with a fixed monthly allowance.

That way, they get to take care of the baby (which you said they're already doing anyway without your permission) plus you get to live out your desires of meeting hot girls without Dianne present to boss you around.

But I just realized, especially after reading your description of them, that Dianne and her family don't seem the kind to be above trying to shake you down for even more money, preventing you from seeing your baby until you cough up what they demand.

In that case, you might try to take your kid, put him under the care of your parents or a paid nanny, and leave Dianne -- which she probably wouldn't be OK with. You'd probably have to leave the PI (or at least Angeles City), since it's probable that they'll either: 1) use local laws against you as a foreigner, or 2) hire people to track you down and take the baby from you.

So you probably will have to eventually draw up a legally binding contract. I don't know how effective or well enforced they are in the PI, but that seems to be all you really have at this point. HTH

W: Dear Swincor, I've already explained in the other thread and gave 3 important reasons why I would not want to take the baby away from Dianne. Not that it's possible anyway. See those three reasons and you will see why it's out of the question, and would not be in the best interest of Dianne, the baby, or even of me.

I do not need to provide them a fixed allowance, nor could I afford it. Dianne agreed before that I can just buy baby supplies and send it to them if we separate. I explained to her that I fear that if they were given a fixed allowance, they'd exaggerate all their expenses.

Again, they don't give a flying f**k about my budget and expenses and what I have to save for. That's not even a consideration to them.

Honestly, even though I consider her family to be dumb and primitive, they are not mean hearted malicious people. They would let me see the baby. It's just that they are survivalists who care mostly about themselves and cannot relate to people who are different than them, and lack education and common sense. Just very different types of people than I am, to the point where we do not even have a basic comfort zone for basic conversation. You know how it is, when someone is so different from you that you don't even have basic conversation chemistry?

I just wanted to make that clear. Though I've said negative things about them, I don't want people believing false things about them too. Truth is everything to me.

[Winston]

Here Winston, slide these handcuffs on, not too tight? And the noose too, see how light and comfortable that is? Now drink this strange green fluid, don't worry about a thing. Your life insurance is paid up, right?

If my wife did 1/100th of the things your girl did, shed be looking at some serious and dire consequences. And she knows that. The same cannot be said for Dianne it would seem.

Anyhow, I gotta hand it to ya, Winston. You start with a winning combination, American passport, a bit of cash, a fair degree of youth, above average intelligence, not too horribly ugly, and you somehow manage to parlay it into a one way ticket straight into the pits of hell.

You snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!

We can at the very least learn from your error, and thus become less likely to repeat it.

W: Look grunt. No one ever said that if you found the right person or true love, that it'd be happily ever after. I don't expect that. But as long as I have more good times than bad, that's what counts. I would never trade the life I've had here for the lonely dateless life in the states where you're not even in the game.

Nothing is perfect. Life isn't like that. But at least I have a great attitude and lots of other things to look forward to. You can't always control what happens in life, but you can control how you respond to things. That's the mark of a winner.

In Rocky 6, Rocky Balboa said that winning is about how many hits you can take and keep moving forward. That's what I've learned as well.

[ladislav]

I think what is going to happen in the end is a compromise of sorts. She will have to lower her demands and settle for less a bit and you may want to buy some cheap car and a cheap house as years go buy. There are may deals in the rP where you can buy houses with little money down and a small mortgage payment. But for her family? Hmmm. that's a tough one. Maybe you can give them a room somewhere on premises? Like in the corner behind the fields? Anyway, she is still young and not college educated. Thus she does not know how hard people have to work for things. She will get older and mellow out a bit. How about you give her a 5 years term in which you will slowly start building a house? But then again, it will not be in your name? Maybe you can work something out. I have seen houses for sale to foreigners at the SM there. They say they can help you buy one with some strange scheme. Check that out.

[Winston]

Here's a sincere sympathetic response I received from someone in the same situation:


"WInston,

Your situation sounds a lot like my situation with my Russian wife; I am not sure that I even love her at this point and pretty sure that I don't. The reason being; after a few years of going through these antics, such as you have with Dianne, it gets old and starts wearing on the nerves, the heart, the sex drive, and just in general it gets to the point where you just don't like who the person you are married to "is". I have often said if she were just a roommate, I would have moved on a long time ago, because I would not tolerate the behaviour from a roommate. I just know that in my situation, the cyclical nature of going through this behaviour, gets old and tiresome and seems will never change, until I am in a coma and unconscious to it. So I must ask myself; do I want to live the rest of my life like this? Is this true happiness or blliss? Is there someone (several someones) out there that I may be more compatible with? And is this what I want for my life or what I
expected life to be with a " life partner". The answer to most of these questions keeps coming down on the negative side. I think that you have to go through the same process for yourself Winston. Its not easy as I can attest to, but at some point I must make a committment to one or the other. Them committment must be to either my happiness or both of us being miserable. I can't help but believe that if these things are going on in both of your lives what is the incentive for either one of you to stay in a relationship where you are not at least 80% happy. I say 80% because that seems to be the threshhold for guys. Woman actually want to be 100% happy. Guys usually will settle for less. So this being said, if Dianne ever does get the initiative or dumb luck of running into another guy who strikes her fancy and her abilities to spend money, she will most likely be gone in a heartbeat and not think of how it is going to effect you. I have seen this time and time again. Wo
men are the colder of the two genders and can turn on you without sentimental strings pulling them back. I know it seems like the opposite should be true, but women have much more practical reasons for staying and if those needs are not being met can easily be swayed. So I would say that you really need to start taking care of Winston because in the end, I doubt that Dianne or her family will be sitting around the dinner table someday wondering how ol' Winston Wu is doing. Most people who would do that are considered "friends" and unfortunately you (I should not speak for you, so I am assuming here) and I are both in relationships where it seems that we do not have a true "friend". I don't know about you, but my search always has been for a friend and a lover. I am afraid I have not attained that goal yet. My reasoning here is that a "true friend" would not place the expectations on you that Dianne has. I truly believe that at this point in her life she may not be capable of
doing this, but then I don't know her, so that may be an unfair assumption.

THe other thing for me is that I feel I made a horrible mistake in going with an Eastern European woman. I am magnetically attracted to Asian women and should have gone with my gut several years ago. My "experiment" failed terribly. An Asian woman will turn my head every time. The thing that does make me a bit nervous is the cultural attributes I have read in your missives. Some of the Fillipina cultural nuances may be hard to take; such as the inability to tell the truth in many circumstances. It seems like they like to dodge the truth for a number of reasons. I am a "truth freak" and like to get things out in the open so they can be talked about. I feel if I was around that too much I would resort to the same game and that would drive me nuts.

I hope I have made some sense and now I am going to go back and re-read all of your e-mails from today."

[Winston]

I think what is going to happen in the end is a compromise of sorts. She will have to lower her demands and settle for less a bit and you may want to buy some cheap car and a cheap house as years go buy. There are may deals in the rP where you can buy houses with little money down and a small mortgage payment. But for her family? Hmmm. that's a tough one. Maybe you can give them a room somewhere on premises? Like in the corner behind the fields? Anyway, she is still young and not college educated. Thus she does not know how hard people have to work for things. She will get older and mellow out a bit. How about you give her a 5 years term in which you will slowly start building a house? But then again, it will not be in your name? Maybe you can work something out. I have seen houses for sale to foreigners at the SM there. They say they can help you buy one with some strange scheme. Check that out.

W: But what about incompatibility number one? I have seen those deals at the mall, but the devil is in the details. You have to be willing to pay off the house for decades. And if you ever leave the country for too long or leave the house abandoned, squatters I heard can come in and take it over. It's weird. Also, I have not decided to stay here forever, so why would I want to buy a house, just to fulfill someone else's dreams?

[Winston]

By the way, some of you wrote me saying that you don't see how being a sex addict or woman addict can jive with being spiritual. I think you misunderstand me about spirituality. I never said that my life was purely spiritual or that I was like a monk. I said I had SPIRITUAL INTERESTS and PURSUITS. I never said that ALL my desires were spiritual. Only that SOME are, and that I have a spiritual outlook and perspective on life. Do you understand?

St. Augustine was a sex addict too, yet he was considered a great theologian and spiritualist.

[Winston]

Here's my dad's response to this topic:

"Dear Win,

In my opinion, Dianne's mentality and behavior have her background. The environment she grew up and the people she grew up with and her education background made her that way. That is her way of making a living and the only way she knows. She does't read and her parents did not set example for her. Where is she going to learn those ethical and moral stuff? So, what do you expect her to do? It would have a happy match if you are rich. I don't see a quick fix or an easy way out. It is very difficult for her to learn and change her behavior and you don't have a quick way to get rich.

You are a very smart guy. You have lots of ideas. You have a wide variety of interests and very spiritual. You are not materialism. You have no interest in vanity stuff. But, on the other hand, you have a strong desire for hot women. This kind of desire and constantly craving for hot women are not very spiritual. These two types of mentalities (strong desire and spirituality) are mutual conflicted. So, unless you could limit your craving and desire, you can't call yourself a spiriual person. You are just a person who is interested in spirituality. Besides, you are not very practical in some way. What in the world can you expect to find a spiritual girl in bar strip (Field Avenue)? Your desire for hot women is controling and taking over your life. All your thoughts and acts are geared toward that. This becomes the goal of your life. There is no easy way out for you either until you realize that this kind of mentality and life style is over shadowing your true purpose of life.

As for Angelo, I don't think Angelo will automatically follow your step and become like you when he grows up, as your wise expat friend said. It depends on the environment he is raised. If he grows up in the same environment as Dianne's, I doubt he will have much chance to advance.

Take it easy. Be wisdom with you. Love,
Dad"

W: Whether or not being addicted to hot women yet having spiritual interests, makes me spiritual or not, one thing is certain. I definitely get along with and jive with spiritual people better than I do with materialistic people. And I am better understood by them too.

[momopi]

Can't help with your personal problem, but do know a little bit about real estate there.

By law foreigners cannot legally own land in PH, but you can buy condos where the land is owned by the condo corp (like US home owner association) and foreign ownership in the project doesn't exceed 40%. Some sellers will offer voodoo methods for foreigners to "own" landed property via leaseback, but I wouldn't trust my $$ in that.

If you buy a "pre-build" condo from the builder, you have the option to pay in cash or payments up to ~4 years. The condo building is actually NOT built yet. If you pay cash up front, you get a hefty discount. If you do payments, you lose the discount but pay no interest on the payments.

I've heard that locals can get bank mortgages up to 20 years in term. You'd have to discuss with the bank manager for eligibility.

I'm on the mailing list from Megaworld Corp in PH, they build properties around Bonifacio Global City. The most recent mailing is for "The Venice" and "Tuscany" in Mckinley Hill in Forbestown (west of Bonifacio Global City). These are fairly expensive areas where 1 bed condo starts at 5 million PHP and 2 bed start at 9 million PHP for new construction. The math might work for income property since the peso is down now, but I haven't done the ROI calcuations.

When I toured several buildings in Greenbelt area of Makati last year, I came to the realization that the building maintenance and upkeep post-construction is a variable that you cannot control. The building that I stayed in, only the lobby area looks nice. Once you go up, there's no AC or even ventiliation in the corridors, just this stale yucky smell. So it may be better to look at units for sale post-construction. Just walk into any condo building lobby and ask the security desk to see the bulletin board, where owners put up "for sale" ads to sell their condo. The prices are often cheaper than new pre-construction. Be warned that PH has high RE transaction fees. Here are some good articles to read:

http://www.globalpropertyguide.com/Asia/Philippines

If you opt to acquire inexpensive landed property in cheaper or more rural areas, you'd probably have to do it under Dianne's name. In which case I'd suggest not spending too much to limit your risk exposure.

Have you considered taking Dianne to a completely new environment, away from her extended family? Maybe take her and your kid to Taiwan for a while? If she has never left PH, you might want to try putting her through a culture shock (to TW), then reverse culture shock (back to PH) experience.

[Winston]

By the way, one sad thing I'll have to admit is that in the relationship between Dianne and I, it does not feel like we are on the same team, but competitors for power. We constantly have to resort to manipulation tactics and bargaining tactics, such as "I won't do this until you do this for me first" type of thing. Isn't that sad and a bad sign?

I see other relationships here, even among my other friends here, where the couple seem much more harmonious and complementary, not against each other. Though they admit they have their problems and disputes too, I'm sure it is not as bad as ours.