Recent bad behavior from Dianne, what should I do?

[Winston]

Dear all,
Sorry to rant about my relationship again. But this one takes the cake.

A few days ago when we were at the mall, Dianne wanted to buy some new jeans and new shirt. Since we were there for other reasons, and since I had already spent more than DOUBLE what my conscience says that I should spend for clothes on her, and since we were on a tight budget, I told her no and that maybe some other time.

She got moody and angry, and put a guilt trip on me to try to make me feel bad. She doesn't usually do this, so I don't know why she started to do this now. It wasn't right, and it wasn't proper behavior. During the past two years, I've spent hundreds of dollars on clothes for her, sometimes frivolously, against my own conscience, and I felt that it was enough. We shouldn't have buy new clothes every time we go to the mall! Plus I had to pay rent, utility bills, her allowance, help her family with food expenses, our baby's doctor and medicine expenses, etc. etc. that was draining my account balance. I simply needed to control any unnecessary spending, especially those that involved over a thousand pesos.

Then the next day, after we took our baby for a vaccination, we headed toward the market to buy her shrimp and fruits to mash for the baby to eat. Along the way though, she asked me when I would give her a thousand pesos for her advance allowance. (I no longer officially give her an allowance, but in her mind, I still do, since that's what she wants badly, very badly) I knew that she needed it to give to her family for their food expenses. Getting fed up with her pestering me with money ALL the time, and her acting like I owed her money and that I was obligated to her request, I replied, "I don't know and I didn't say that I was going to give you a thousand pesos". At that, she became moody again and wanted to go home. I told her I wanted to get the fruit for the baby to eat first, but she wanted to jet off anyway. And so she did, without her shrimp and the baby's fruit. I couldn't believe how immature she still was, and how she had no respect for my wishes or choices. And how she would not listen to reason.

First, I don't like her tone in that when she asks me for something, she acts like I am obligated to agree with it, as though I already said yes when I didn't. To me, that's a form of mind control, asking for something while acting as though you've already been given a yes answer, in an attempt to get your way (this in fact is a common form of Filipino mind control). Second, I don't like constantly having to give free money to her family all the time, every week and every month. Me and my family have already given TONS of money to them, and it's never enough. They never stop asking and needing. And you are NEVER supposed to stop. My friend in Manila is fed up with this too. As he says, "they just take and take and take and get angry if you ever stop". Like me, he is naturally frugal too and hates it when Filipinos try to force us to "spend without limits".

Plus, a part of me considers it a waste to give free money to her family on a regular basis. To me a thousand pesos is a lot anyway. One of my friends from France even said that it's better to spend that money in a bar rather than give it to her family, because at least in the bar, you're getting something from the girls, whereas you don't get anything if you give it to her family. This is true. But when I told her this, she got mad and acted like I committed blasphemy. But I didn't care, since I'm tired of her falsely assuming that I owe her and her family.

And I hate how she keeps asking and taking without limits, while I'm trying to maintain a strict budget. It's like they expect you to "spend without limits" and impose it upon you. It's rude when they do that, but they do it anyway, cause their desire to RECEIVE is so great that it cancels out any logic and reason.

Another factor at work here is that I simply DO NOT FEEL GOOD when I give money to them. First of all, their morals are suspect, since I believe they attempted to con me out of a lot of money several times in the past, something my family would never do. So I do not feel that they are even good people, in my book. Second, they do not act kind, open and friendly either. They are not the kind of people that want to sit down and talk to me, listen to me, hear my problems, try to understand me, etc. When I visit a person, I want someone who will talk to me or listen to me and try to understand me. My friends here do that for me. But her family never talks or listens, has no conversation skills, does not try to understand me, etc. Instead, they just mind their own business, eat, sleep, clean the house, and hope to receive money from anyone they can. They act closed, selfish and primitive. I do not admire people like that. If they were kind and had high morals, I'd be happier giving them money to help, but they aren't. I don't like people whom I don't even feel comfortable talking to or having an open honest conversation with. Perhaps they are just different creatures, and that's why I feel this way.

I do have some Filipino friends here that I can talk to openly any time I want, who will listen to me, listen to my philosophical ruminations, complaints, questions, etc. And I am always happy to treat them or buy them drinks, even though they refuse. Because with them, I have a natural comfort zone. But with Dianne's family I do not feel a natural comfort zone that I feel with my friends. Instead, there is awkward silence as Dianne communicates between us. Her little sister Sarah is the only one I enjoy being around and feel comfortable around.

Besides, I am a person who hates waste, so I am very frugal. Every dollar I waste, in my view, should be better saved for my next trip overseas or something, not given to someone who doesn't even appreciate you.

Probably, I speculate, in their minds, I should help them with their expenses because they are taking care of my baby everyday. However, they are doing it without even asking my permission, giving me no say in the matter. And plus, I know for certain that they are taking care of the baby because they see him as part of THEIR FAMILY, and NOT, I repeat NOT because they want to help me personally! No way!

No, they don't do anything for me. They don't even talk to me, listen to me, or try to understand me like my friends do. There is no comfort zone or rapport with them. And Dianne expects me to give to them generously from my heart?! (as she puts it) That's very unrealistic.

Plus she knows very well that I am on a tight budget. It's been explained to her a bazillion times. But again, her desire to receive is so great that she forgets that of course. That explains why. Greed sends facts and logic out the window.

If I were making a salary of like $4000 a month, of course it'd be no problem for me to give $200 a month to help them. But if I'm making $100 a month, then to give them $200 a month would be letting them literally steal everything that I have.

But again, the desire to receive is so great that facts and logic go out the window.

So what should I do? How do you deal with someone who doesn't listen to reason, is motivated completely by the desire to receive, etc.? And who uses guilt and manipulation tactics to get their way?

I keep telling her to call her rich aunt in Canada to ask her to send money for food instead, but she won't do it and won't say why, or else she says that that aunt can't afford it anymore, which is bull. Anyone can afford $100 a month if they wanted to, especially if they are working full time in a Western country.

What should I do? What would you do?

I do have some easy internet projects that I can have her do for me, to make her earn the thousand pesos she wants. But she has no patience for such things, is too lazy for that, and is stuck on receiving things in exchange for nothing. The princess mentality in her is very strong. Plus she is quick tempered, and blames that on me everytime I complain about it. It's a no win situation.

I recognize all her mind control tactics, and she knows that I recognize them, but she doesn't care. To her, all that matters is what she RECEIVES in the form of money or gifts. That's the bottom line. As they say here, "money matters" and they mean that. What one receives here, is the highest attribute in the universe.

I told her that if Albert Einstein were here, no one would care about his theories of relativity, gravity or time and space. Instead, all they'd care about was how GENEROUS he was and what they were going to RECEIVE from him.

That kind of sickens me. I keep telling her to try to be less materialistic, but she won't listen. And I keep asking her where I can find people here that have more spiritual aims in life. But she doesn't know. And doesn't care either. I guess though, that in this materialistic world, that's difficult.

It is an irony of course, that a country that is 99 percent Catholic is so materialistic, with "receiving" being the highest desire above all things. But that's life. And here, you aren't supposed to complain about things, or even analyze things, but just try to live with it.

[skateboardstephen]

just say no and stick to it.What is the worst that can happen?

[publicduende]

Whoa LOL, almost 3 years to get a reply on this thread!

[Rayn]

Thread necromancy FTL

[romparoo]

4 years actually

[OutWest]

4 years actually

I think Dianne and the hapless feral spawn have long since been abandoned to their fate...

[publicduende]

4 years actually

I think Dianne and the hapless feral spawn have long since been abandoned to their fate...

Unwanted noise on the "happier abroad" game of musical chairs...

[Jacaré]

Easiest solution? just dump her and she would understand and will be coming back to you crawling like a dog. There is no need for someone who constantly leeches from you. Absolutely none and if you keep them in your life, you'd be the only one to be blamed. I'd simply dump them and move on. When you get involved with a girl, make sure it's a girl that will help you and be an asset to you, not one who will be a leach and free loader.

[Johnny1975]

Get rid of her. It's as simple as that. Deal with your kid, but forget about her. There's nothing else to be said.