Why are family gatherings so superficial?

[Winston]

At my last family gathering with relatives, I noticed how superficial everyone was. They would just say the most polite things. No one wanted to talk about anything deep or meaningful. When I tried to start such conversations, it was totally out of the flow. Young people in Taiwan especially don't want to talk about deeper/intellectual topics. They just want to greet everyone and say the most polite things. Sheesh.

Is that typically how family gatherings go?

Do any of you notice the same thing at your family gatherings?

[momopi]

In my mother's side of family, when the "adults" decide to discuss serious topics (family inheritance, funerals, weddings, etc.), the siblings gather privately (that is, my mother and her sisters and brothers) without their spouse and children behind closed doors. Just because you married into the family doesn't mean you'd be invited. My eldest aunt is the oldest and she commands a dominating role in the discussions. Whatever decision they come to agree on is final and their spouses (i.e. my father) are required to accept regardless of their opinions. If you don't accept it, pack your bags and leave. My father learned this very early, and my uncle's wife learned this the hard way & had to back off or else he'd have divorced her.

If it was a "general" family gathering with everyone, then you're expected to put up a smile and be pleasant. If you have nothing good to say, shut up, smile, and nod. Exceptions include politics and election time, when heated political exchanges are the norm.

[philosophical_filipino]

First thing people ask at Filipino gatherings. Are you going to school? What are you studying? Are you done with school yet? It's this whole obsession over education. It's nobody's business if someone goes to school or not. The whole student loan scam is putting most college graduates in severe debt. The jobs are being outsourced and laid off at an alarmingly rapid pace. Adults in their late 40s and 50s going back to school @ Devry? They're shit out of luck.

Most employers want to hire young, hungry, and ambitious people. Why would they want to hire an old fart?

I don't need anyone's approval. I'm my own boss because I'm sucka-free. Once you understand this BOSS CONCEPT, you'll never be played like a sucka and roll like a true master of destiny.

[NorthAmericanguy]

At my last family gathering with relatives, I noticed how superficial everyone was. They would just say the most polite things. No one wanted to talk about anything deep or meaningful. When I tried to start such conversations, it was totally out of the flow. Young people in Taiwan especially don't want to talk about deeper/intellectual topics. They just want to greet everyone and say the most polite things. Sheesh.

Is that typically how family gatherings go?

Do any of you notice the same thing at your family gatherings?

First thing people ask at Filipino gatherings. Are you going to school? What are you studying? Are you done with school yet? It's this whole obsession over education. It's nobody's business if someone goes to school or not. The whole student loan scam is putting most college graduates in severe debt. The jobs are being outsourced and laid off at an alarmingly rapid pace. Adults in their late 40s and 50s going back to school @ Devry? They're shit out of luck.

I agree 100!^

OMFG! I'm so sick of it myself to the point where I REFUSE to go to any gatherings EVER again; at least here in the United States. I'm TIRED of the whole 21 questions because I know I'm being evaluated from a superficial perspective and that my place in society (i.e., unmarried, no kids) has little to do with not being able to achieve certain milestones but more because I had other goals in life (Gasp!).


To make matters worse, if you try and fire back and have a more deeper and meaningful conversation, people become agitated and try and turn the conversation to a more humorous conversation as people now days constantly want to be humorously entertained.


The bottom line is that the world is very competitive, and family gatherings here in the States over the years have turned more into gatherings where everyone is evaluating and judging others to see where you are in society and if they have more or less status then you.

[Winston]

Well at least you guys GET questions asked of you. I'm lucky if anyone asks me questions. My relatives just say hi and tell me to sit down and make myself at home. The conversation is usually about other family members and the issues they are having. Or someone tells a joke. But it's never about anything deep or meaningful.

Gatherings with most people in general are like that though. The conversation is superficial and polite or lighthearted and humorous. If you go deeper, it's completely out of the flow.

Weird isn't it?

Have any of you ever expressed the kind of talk we have here in the forum, to your family or acquaintances, and gotten that look as if they think you're crazy or weird, or even an awkward silence, or a confused look as if they have no idea what to say back? lol

[Repatriate]

Well at least you guys GET questions asked of you. I'm lucky if anyone asks me questions. My relatives just say hi and tell me to sit down and make myself at home. The conversation is usually about other family members and the issues they are having. Or someone tells a joke. But it's never about anything deep or meaningful.

Gatherings with most people in general are like that though. The conversation is superficial and polite or lighthearted and humorous. If you go deeper, it's completely out of the flow.

Weird isn't it?

How is it weird? It's called etiquette. Besides most people are sensitive about religion, sex, and politics. If you push up against those boundaries too much you're bound to piss someone off or at least vaguely annoy them. That's why people keep conversations lighthearted unless you have known the person for a substantial amount of time. My feeling is that the more superficially polite a culture is the more easily and personally offended people get underneath the surface. Thai people put on a polite face but they complain all the time to their close friends.

On forums and the like no one cares about annoying each other because it's the internet and we're here for the purpose of talking about these things. Real life isn't an internet forum and it's pointless to include people into topical debates.

[onezero4u]

gotta agree with repatriot...

family reunions are not the venue for deep philosofical conversations....save that for meeting your likeminded friends.

family folk you see once a year or so just want to touch base and catch up on superficial shit....its the culture man.

[The Arab]

Depends on your culture.

Among Arabs, conversation is highly valued and we are a social and loquacious people.

Family gatherings are noisy affairs and we talk deep- cajoling, laughing, arguing, from politics to humor, real world practicalities and every day nuances.

[NorthAmericanguy]

How is it weird? It's called etiquette. Besides most people are sensitive about religion, sex, and politics. If you push up against those boundaries too much you're bound to piss someone off or at least vaguely annoy them. That's why people keep conversations lighthearted unless you have known the person for a substantial amount of time. My feeling is that the more superficially polite a culture is the more easily and personally offended people get underneath the surface. Thai people put on a polite face but they complain all the time to their close friends.

On forums and the like no one cares about annoying each other because it's the internet and we're here for the purpose of talking about these things. Real life isn't an internet forum and it's pointless to include people into topical debates.

I see what you mean, but look at it this way, maybe that's why this country is so f*** up. Nobody wants to talk about anything serious.

[Winston]

Have any of you ever tried to talk about the kind of stuff we talk about on this forum, at your family/relative gatherings? If so, what was the result? Did it feel awkward and out of place? Did you get any strange looks? Did you wonder if they started thinking, "I ought to try to avoid this guy from now on, even though he's a relative"? lol

[Winston]

Well at least you guys GET questions asked of you. I'm lucky if anyone asks me questions. My relatives just say hi and tell me to sit down and make myself at home. The conversation is usually about other family members and the issues they are having. Or someone tells a joke. But it's never about anything deep or meaningful.

Gatherings with most people in general are like that though. The conversation is superficial and polite or lighthearted and humorous. If you go deeper, it's completely out of the flow.

Weird isn't it?

How is it weird? It's called etiquette. Besides most people are sensitive about religion, sex, and politics. If you push up against those boundaries too much you're bound to piss someone off or at least vaguely annoy them. That's why people keep conversations lighthearted unless you have known the person for a substantial amount of time. My feeling is that the more superficially polite a culture is the more easily and personally offended people get underneath the surface. Thai people put on a polite face but they complain all the time to their close friends.

On forums and the like no one cares about annoying each other because it's the internet and we're here for the purpose of talking about these things. Real life isn't an internet forum and it's pointless to include people into topical debates.

That's true. But it is also true, isn't it, that many people are simply INCAPABLE of having deep meaningful conversations. Even if you called them on the phone or were locked in a room with them for hours, they would not be able to have deep meaningful conversations. I'm sure we've all met many who are like that.

[Repatriate]

That's true. But it is also true, isn't it, that many people are simply INCAPABLE of having deep meaningful conversations. Even if you called them on the phone or were locked in a room with them for hours, they would not be able to have deep meaningful conversations. I'm sure we've all met many who are like that.

A lot of people simply don't like verbalizing their inner most thoughts to people. They don't like having their reality or daily existence scrutinized. Existential questions are scary or annoying to these people and they prefer to live by routines. I'd say most people are like this and there's no problem with that. If everyone sat transfixed on the meaning of life and the full spectrum of possibilities would we come up with better questions or think ourselves into abject despair at indecision or things we cannot change?

In most cases ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to be wise.

This is especially true in countries around SE Asia where emotional and critical thinking has been stunted to such an extent as to be irrelevant. That's why Thais always say "don't think too much" because they need to look through a dulled lens to avoid seeing all the unpleasantness around them.

It also explains why people in the U.S. work each other up in such a frenzy. People need some sort of driving animus to keep them going. People need to be agitated to feel productive because there is no other meaning to the culture.

[C.J.]

Family gatherings... as if family was even natural.

My family rarely gathers. The last time I saw other family members long lost, was when someone in the family died(6+ years ago). Otherwise, you got used to being alone. A sad but an inevitable and obvious fact, being under the elite's umbrella.

Why would I want to have any deep, meaningful conversations with anyone anyway? Even intelligent people I talked to, rarely if ever spoke of anything valuable. What IS that all about? People(especially some HA members) wanna have some "deep, meaningful, conversation" with people they're around. Boggles my mind.