I've been having some thoughts, realizations and awakenings lately which have helped me connect some dots. They are hard to explain because such concepts require a certain level of consciousness, awareness and insight, but I'll try.
Have you ever felt deep down that you had some long forgotten life before this one? What if we had some sort of pre-birth existence before we were born that we don't consciously remember, either in this world or some other plane of reality beyond this one?
From time to time, I feel this on an intuitive level, as though it were a deep realization awakening in me coming from my subconscious or "higher self", as though I were remembering a long forgotten memory. Any of you ever felt that way?
It's like as I evolve in consciousness, insight, intellect, gradually I seem to remember who or what I was before this level.
As you know, I've always had deep powers of insight, so by connecting dots with it, I have come to some speculations, theories or realizations, whatever you want to call it.
Here they are, as best as I can explain:
- What if life really is a dream? And we don't remember who we are until we wake up (die, pass away from this world) from that dream? I had a talk about this with a buddy of mine here, who is like a kindred spirit to me. He also has felt the same way intuitively, that we've forgotten who we really are and once we awake from this "life dream", we will remember again.
- If that's so, then perhaps the reason we don't remember who we really are is not because God erased our memory before we were born, or because we decided to have amnesia. Perhaps the reason is because we came from a level/plane of reality beyond time and space, so different from this physical plane, that our human mind and brain are completely incapable of comprehending it. And for us to understand these "other levels of reality" would be like a dog trying to understand Calculus or Shakespeare, which would be utterly impossible and beyond its capacity and level.
You see, perhaps our mind and brain are only designed to understand things on the physical plane, as well as project its own "abstract ideas" about metaphysical/spiritual levels of reality. But it can never truly fathom, perceive or even imagine these other levels of reality that we came from.
Does that make sense?
- You see, I've always felt that the reason life's biggest questions (e.g. Who is God? Who am I? Where did I come from? Why are we here? Why does evil exist? Why do bad things happen to good people? How did the universe come from nothing? What is the nature of time? What was before the Big Bang? Etc.) have remained unanswered and elusive for ages, is that the TRUE answers to such questions lie somewhere beyond time and space, and thus beyond words and our mind's ability to comprehend.
That was the explanation that made sense, for no amount of logic, reasoning or philosophizing could answer such questions completely.
But of course, many people mistakenly assume that if they can't understand something with their mind or brain, then it doesn't exist, the same way that a dog thinks that just because it doesn't understand written language, then it doesn't exist.
- Or could it be that only SOME people have a pre-birth existence before this life? That would explain why some people seem primitive, barbaric and emit a low vibration/frequency in their vibes, while others seem to have a higher consciousness level that makes them "not of this world", which you can see immediately in their eyes and presence. If so, then some "souls" here may be at the beginning of their cycle, while others have attained wisdom and evolved their consciousness level throughout many "cycles".
And of course, people who are on vastly different levels will not vibe well with one another, be able to connect, or feel comfortable around each other.
- Anyhow, when I was a child, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. None of the conventional occupations seemed to resonate with me. Nor did I understand myself or my place in the world. In fact, I never felt like I fit into anything or any group. Deep down, I've always felt that I was meant to be some type of "leader or hero" who helps people in an unusual way. Not in a conventional way, such as volunteer work or charity, but in an unconventional way that was unknown. That's all I knew, even though I had no goal or plan of making any of that come true. Now I'm beginning to see some fruition of that. Many have claimed that my websites and writing has "inspired" them in some way, or led to their realization of something deeper. So perhaps I am one of those "souls" who decided to come here to help aid humanity in the "transformation of consciousness" and helping to wake up those who are ignorant and asleep?
I feel this in my intuition, as though it were some long forgotten memory.
Perhaps that's why I was never happy being in one of those meaningless jobs just for a paycheck, because my soul "knew" that it didn't come down to Earth for that purpose, for it had far higher purposes in mind. And that's why a simple life of merely working and consuming in conformity to the "system" wasn't enough for me? I had a "higher calling" so to speak.
- Finally, here's something interesting. There was an incident when I was 14 that connects to all this and might shed some light. At that time, I was totally alienated and bored, and in agony over it. It was Summer vacation after 8th grade, and all my friends bailed on me (not that they were true friends). I didn't fit in anywhere, felt persecuted, lonely and insecure, and was bored to death isolated in my home all day while my parents were at work. In those days, there was nothing on TV except boring soap operas and old lifeless films. No internet or people to call. And my parents, who only knew how to deal with practical problems (like most Asian parents) had no idea what to do about my psychological/emotional problems and alienation, so they just did nothing and left me there.
I felt left out and alienated, and was angry and resentful that other kids out there were having fun, while I was abandoned to suffer alone like this everyday.
Under such conditions, and in my weak state of mind, each day went by with a long and excruciating feeling of emptiness and loneliness that was difficult to endure. I felt like I was sinking into a dark bottomless pit of depression and I could do nothing about it. No one could help me either, nor did anyone care. I was all alone and felt on the verge of losing my mind into insanity. It was very scary beyond words, to struggle like this everyday against losing your mind. It felt like you were losing your own soul, sense of reality and mind. It was a very dreadful feeling beyond words, especially when you're suffering alone and no one is there who can help you or understand you.
I also could not understand why this was happening to me all the time. Why me?! Everyday I desperately looked for some escape, relief or pleasure to distract me from this pain and loneliness. But the TV was boring and I could not concentrate well enough to read something, so I just laid down and "jerked off" often, as there was nothing else to do.
After several weeks of this, it became unbearable. One afternoon, in my usual nice luxurious but isolated home in Fremont, CA, I lay in the lazyboy chair, too depressed to move. As I thought about my alienated life and unfair suffering, while everyone else out there was having fun (presumably), the psychological and emotional pain became so great that I became screaming out in pain while alone in the house. I didn't want to sound like a madman, but it was so unbearable that I couldn't help it. I needed some release, and screaming out was my only outlet.
Then, for some quick stimulation and release, I "jerked off" again in my usual way. When I climaxed, during the flood of endorphins, I felt like my mind and consciousness transcended time, space and my physical body, as I lost sense of physical being for an instant. During that interval, some voice or thought suddenly told me, "Your pain and suffering are of the body, not spirit." Those words somehow gave me some kind of enlightenment, and I understood the full meaning of those words. With the full realization of this spiritual truth, suddenly a peace and calm came over me, like none I had ever experienced before. It was like some kind of awakening that was out of this world. Soon I was filled with this "eternal bliss" inside of me that seemed beyond time and space, free of any conditions.
The pain, anger and chaos had subsided. I was in a transcendental state of peace and bliss. I felt like a "Zen Master" (even though I had done nothing to attain such a state). For the next few hours, I went up to my room and sat in perfect inner peace and joy. While doing so, I felt this deep appreciation for everything around me, every object and material in creation, as well as every sensation from my five senses. I could sense the unity in it all. My limited mind didn't know what to make of all this, so I just enjoyed the experience and let it ride.
When my mom came home from work at 5pm, she yelled at me for the usual trivial things, the way she did everyday as a daily habit and routine. But this time, in my current transcendental state, I didn't have to yell back. I just let her words pass right through me and did not react. I felt like I had power and control over my emotions and did not have to react on instinctual mode like before. It was amazing.
An hour later, my parents' Taiwanese friends down the street came by and asked if we wanted to join them for a walk. We did, and I walked around the hilly neighborhood as a "born again" person, a different person so to speak. I thought of telling my family's friends about what had just happened to me, but I didn't know how as I had no communication skills and was not good at describing things, plus I felt it best not to anyway.
This inner state of bliss lasted for another 3 or 4 days. Each morning, since I hate mornings, my body would feel groggy and moody for a few minutes, but soon the transcendental peace I fell asleep with the night before would sink back in.
Unfortunately, it didn't last forever as I had hoped. But it did give me a glimpse of an inner state that one could attain with spiritual practice perhaps. I never had an experience like that again, but now I sometimes have brief moments of it in flashback, as though my spiritual/consciousness level were nearing attaining that as its "normal" state.
At that time though, when I was 14, the only religion I knew and understood was Christianity, so my mind interpreted the experience as a Christian one, a communion with God or gift from the Holy Spirit, perhaps. But my spirit felt that it was something beyond religion, not just beyond time and space. For the next few years, I experienced moments of joy during Christian Evangelist revivals and from the fellowship and comraderie of my Christian "brothers and sisters", but it was never like the one during the Summer after 8th grade.
Anyhow, the significance of this experience is that IF I was able to experience such a state of transcendental bliss or nirvana at such a young age having no prior spiritual practice, meditation or knowledge, then perhaps it might mean that such a level was already within me. This means that if I indeed had a pre-birth existence, I might have been a being from some higher level of consciousness that descended into this world for some unknown reason that my mind in this plane of reality cannot comprehend, but will remember again someday.
It does seem though, that sometimes life puts you in extreme states of psychological depression or torment in order to induce a spiritual awakening in you, or a transcendental experience which puts you in a higher state of consciousness. It's like the pain serves a purpose in catapulting you into the sensation of your eternal spirit. During such times, life usually takes away everything that you had going for you: friends, jobs, lovers, status, etc. When you lose it all, it seems like the end but it's really the sign of a new beginning in your life, a new revolution in your path.
I've experienced such periods several times in my life. Each time I thought I was going to die. But I emerged stronger each time with an inner power, strength and wisdom that few can understand. Of course we all know that suffering builds character, but inner torment can trigger spiritual awakenings as well.
In retrospect, yeah I am resentful that my childhood was no fun and I got nothing I wanted - popularity, good friends, fun, accomplishments, acceptance, dates, girls, etc. - none of the good stuff that you see kids having on TV, but instead was mostly filled with alienation, loneliness, abandonment and bad luck. Nothing went right in my childhood and most of my adult life as well. I wasn't even a nerd, as I didn't even fit in with that group, and when you don't fit in anywhere, in a sense you are below even the nerds. And that's where I was, at the very bottom, beyond a loser even, I was simply "nothing".
However, from all those years of loneliness and torment, coupled with my natural powers of insight, I've attained (or perhaps re-awakened?) a level of consciousness and inner stillness that mainstream adult people do not have. I can also appreciate and enjoy many more things than the average person can, which has enhanced my joy, pleasure and quality of life beyond that of the common person. In essence, I have an inner "richness" that the average materialistic person doesn't have and can't understand. Those who know me well will tell you that I radiate a vibe and aura that's different from the rest.
Thus, it seemed that I unknowingly and unwillingly traded my childhood for "benefits" in adulthood that those with a "normal" childhood don't have. Perhaps that's another tell tale sign or indicator that I came into this world to help it achieve some kind of "transformation of consciousness" in its evolution?
Anyhow, make of this what you will. I know some of this sounds far-fetched, but to others it makes perfect sense, depending on their level of consciousness of course
