Why do I feel more insecure when in America? Explanations?

[Winston]

Why do I feel more insecure when I'm in America? Any explanations?

Hi all,
The other day, I was having lunch with a group of expats here in the Philippines, and I asked them this question:

"Why is it that in America, I feel more insecure about myself for some reason? As if I'm not "good enough"? Is it my imagination? Or do all of you feel the same way?"

They all unanimously said they felt the same way, even the biggest and bravest of them. When I asked what causes that, one of them, a guy who thinks like me and shares a lot of my views, said:

"It's because people there are always judging and criticizing everyone. Although image matters everywhere, I definitely feel more relaxed about my self image overseas than in the states."

I added, "Exactly, and people are also addicted to negativity and criticism as well, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy and vicious cycle."

We agreed. But I still felt there was more to it than just that.

What do you think? Can you think of any explanations or causes that would make people feel more insecure in the US than in other countries?

And to those of you who live overseas or have spent significant time abroad, do you feel the same way?

Perhaps the cult of extreme individualism that teaches that you are separate from everyone rather than connected, leads to insecurity as well? (I've elaborated on this issue in this essay here http://www.happierabroad.com/ebook/Page15.htm)

But what about that constant feeling in the US that "you're not good enough?" Why do we feel that way, even if we don't want to? And why do we feel like we have no control over it?

Please post your responses here, because I plan to start a new page in my ebook about this issue and would like to include other people's opinions about this issue.

Thanks,
Winston

[MoscowSummerNights]

I will explain why I feel the opposite:

1) By learning other languages and cultures overseas, I would return to the USA and feel like I actually had an advantage over other guys, especially in terms of earnings potential and career opportunities.

When I go back to the USA, I drive the best rental cars and the women really like it when I tell them I have an apartment in (name a European city that American women have always dreamed about).

I will get emails now and then from an American woman I met once who wants to take a European vacation and crash at my place for awhile.

2) Once a 40 year old has consistently dated gorgeous 19 year olds overseas, he can return to the USA and gorgeous American 19 year olds will often sense the confidence and expectation in the guy that she should go out with him (and she might do just that).

Seriously...in life you often get what you ask for...so if you ask the college coed DAUGHTER out instead of her 43 year old mother...surprise...you might end up with the woman you actually wanted to have sex with.

When you get the practice dating the young gorgeous ones, the confidence goes with you wherever you go...even back to the US.

That said, caucasian American women are mainly only impressed if a man lives in a first world or European city and they would NOT be impressed if a man said "I have an apartment in Manila" and caucasian American women generally refuse to date shorter men or financially unstable men and there is no amount of confidence that can change their attitude on that. Nothing at all. This is why the Philippines should be the place to go if I were shorter than 5'10" or not inclined toward making lots of money.

There are gorgeous women in the Philippines. By no means do I mean that only guys should go there who feel unconfident elsewhere (for real or imagined reasons).

If I were inclined toward Asians instead of statuesque blonde nordic types, I would be on the next plane.

I would like to go there sometime...it is just that the Philippines seem to me to be the last market in the world for a business to concentrate on (I might be wrong on this, but my company gets more interest from Hong Kong and Singapore and Tokyo).

[DiscoPro_Joe]

Why do I feel more insecure when I'm in America? Any explanations?

I think it's because Americans in general are very cliquish, prefer not to make new friends, and are usually fearful toward anyone who's different from them. Maybe many Americans feel that if they don't conform to the "in" crowd(s), then there must be something wrong with them.

Most Americans are also insecure, so perhaps their insecurity tends to rub off on other people. (Examples would include people acting arrogantly, snobbish, and distant in order to mask their low self-esteem.)

I don't think philosophical individualism has any relevance to the problem.

[jamesbond]

Why do I feel more insecure when I'm in America? Any explanations?

I think it's because Americans in general are very cliquish, prefer not to make new friends, and are usually fearful toward anyone who's different from them. Maybe many Americans feel that if they don't conform to the "in" crowd(s), then there must be something wrong with them.

Most Americans are also insecure, so perhaps their insecurity tends to rub off on other people. (Examples would include people acting arrogantly, snobbish, and distant in order to mask their low self-esteem.)

I don't think philosophical individualism has any relevance to the problem.

Your right DiscoPro_Joe, Americans are uncomfortable at the idea of meeting new people and making new friends. People in the US are also very cliqiush and anti-social for some reason. A lot of people in America don't even know who there neighbors are! Americans are very individualistic and because of that a lot of them prefer being alone. Of course in other countries (Ukraine, Russia, Philippines) things are just the opposite. People like meeting new people and people are very inclusive and sociable. The more one travels, the more you will see the difference in people and cultures.

[Repatriate]

I agree with most of what everyone said here. I'd just like to add that the word people are struggling with is classist as well. Everything is tiered either by income(class) or race. You'll rarely find anyone outside of these very narrow insular circles. That's why you end up hanging around the same people telling the same stale jokes, watching the same shitty tv/sports, and going to the same social events. There's no broadened horizons at all. You live in your social enclave and date the same worn women that travel in these social circles.

That's not to say some sad expats don't try and recreate this environment abroad but by and large you have far more freedom to cross those boundaries.

[Winston]

Here's an interesting response by a female:

"Hi Winston,

I really struggle with that question myself and wonder whether would feel less insecure someplace else.

A part of me wonders though whether it is elitism or whether it is simply high standards. For instance, I went to Stanford, where I got a sparkling education but constantly felt insecure about myself all the time because I started viewing the populace I was going to school with as normal while viewing myself as the outlier that didn't measure up. When I visit other schools, or now that I've gone into the real world and interated with people outside of Stanford, I don't find mysel fbeing as insecure as I used to.

Same with job. I'm working at a place where everyone is extremely smart and I constantly feel like I don't measure up. Now I"m moving to a smaller company where the people actually look up to me and I feel like a big fish in a small pond as opposed to a small fish in a big pond competing with other bigger smarter fish.

I'm wondering if America is kind of like the pond with lots of big fish. It is a superpower with most people living there living way beyond the means of other people in the world and boasting of opportunities for advancement. This competitive environment leads to more insecurity. I know that ohter places in the world aren't as fast paced with not as high of a premium placed on material success or achievement.

I know that I learned in my biology class about cyclic fish patterns and how if you take a cyclic male fish and put it in a huge pond with fish bigger than it, it actually converts into a female fish (literally changes sex organs) in order to survive. When you move that same fish (now female) into a tank where it is the biggest fish and all the other fishes are smaller, it literally starts growing gonads and becomes the alpha male. Isn't that interesting that this phenomenon takes place on a biological level in FISH??

It's a hard quesiton you know about what's best for a person-- to be in a challenging competitive environment or to go to a nurturing small pond that allows the person to strive for his/her best. I'm definitely thankful for the high quality environments i have been in regards to education, material means etc. (stanford, United States), but I also realize that they are just seasons in my life, and I can become an entirely more actualized, confident, greater version of myself if given a less elitist environment where I can literally feel like a bigger person. (hence, why I love travel so much). It's really a hard dilemma-- do you give up big pond with lots of nice food, or do you give up small pond where you simply felt like a bigger person?"

[Winston]

Here is what a Russian immigrant I know had to say: (he seems a bit one dimensional though)

"Hi Winston!
It is simple. People fill insecure in US because they are slaves. You always fill the pressure of bills. You are afraid to get sick and loose everything you have.
When I lived in Russia I was never afraid to get sick. I new if it happened I will just go to the doctor. No $50,000 bills. Also 99% of the people own their houses. No mortgages. I think in US you fill secure if you are very rich or poor and could get public assistance. I think also you fill secure in Philippines because you are probably considered rich there. Your American income is big enough to bi rich in Philippines. So it is basically about the money. "

[Winston]

Moscowsummernights,
I do feel that being overseas has increased my confidence in the US too. But there is still something there that tries to make me feel insecure again. Maybe it's the insecurities of others rubbing off on me. But I can feel it's tug.

And I hate it.

[Winston]

Why do I feel more insecure when I'm in America? Any explanations?

I think it's because Americans in general are very cliquish, prefer not to make new friends, and are usually fearful toward anyone who's different from them. Maybe many Americans feel that if they don't conform to the "in" crowd(s), then there must be something wrong with them.

Most Americans are also insecure, so perhaps their insecurity tends to rub off on other people. (Examples would include people acting arrogantly, snobbish, and distant in order to mask their low self-esteem.)

I don't think philosophical individualism has any relevance to the problem.

W: True, but the question is, why are people insecure in America in the first place? Why aren't they relaxed and confident about their self-image, like foreigners are?

[momopi]

Most people feel insecure in some way or another, unless if they're mentally unbalanced, over-confident, or a megalomaniac. The difference between a "winner" and the "loser" is that the winner utilizes his/her insecurities to push him/herself to great achievements, versus the loser stays home and cries about it, or is over-confident to point of stupidity.

In the early personal computer era, Gary Kildall's CP/M had a virtual monopoly on personal PC OS market. Mr. Kildall was very overconfident, and when IBM came knocking he went out to play with his buddies (in a private jet, no less), leaving the negotiations to his wife.

In those days the business culture was still very conservative, and when the biggest computer company in the world (IBM) came knocking, you just don't leave them with your wife. That was a big no-no but Mr. Kildall thought nobody could challenge his product. Well, Bill Gates sure proved him wrong, didn't he?

Bill Gates was someone who had a huge inferiority complex, and he used it to drive himself to success. Now he's one of the richest man on the planet, verus Mr. Kildall's Digital Research Company was sold to Novell for mere few million dollars in 1991. Mr. Kildall's opinion of Mr. Gates: "a manipulative user who took from me and the industry". Sour grapes!


http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies ... usat_x.htm

Posted 1/31/2007 11:23 PM ET E-mail | Save | Print | Reprints & Permissions | Subscribe to stories like this
By Del Jones, USA TODAY

Chicago Bears cornerback Nathan Vasher was disappointed when he was drafted in the fourth round in 2004 and said this week in Miami that it has driven him to the Pro Bowl, and on Sunday, to the Super Bowl.

Indianapolis Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, formerly with the New England Patriots, has been to the Super Bowl six times in 11 years, but each time he steps on the field, "I have to re-prove myself," he said at a pre-Super Bowl media day.

Then there is three-time Super Bowl winner Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots, who has said in the past that insecurity is the reason for his success. "I guess I always feel there's someone hunting me down, someone right on my footsteps," the sixth-round draft choice told The Washington Post in 2005.

Insecurity is common among superachievers, not just those who make it to the Super Bowl. But perhaps nowhere is it more rampant than among corporate CEOs, an observation that struck a chord a decade ago when former Intel (INTC) CEO Andy Grove, a Jewish Hungarian immigrant, wrote Only the Paranoid Survive.

"We are all insecure," says Mark Lancaster, CEO of SDL (SDLLF), a 1,500-employee British software company. "We feel inferior to our audience and surroundings and drive very hard to compensate and to prove we are better than the rest."

Insecurity among leaders dates back to before Napoleon and touches all aspects of society. Actor Meryl Steep has confessed to being insecure, and many of those taking home Oscars this month might consider thanking insecurity in their acceptance speeches.

CEOs seem to give credit where credit is due. "I am driven by fear of failure," says Dennis Manning, CEO of the giant Guardian Life Insurance Co. of America, which has annual revenue in excess of $7 billion. "It is a strong motivator for me."

Manning, who isn't related to Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, started as a sales agent and says he has noticed insecurity in other successful salespeople. The feelings only get stronger at the CEO level. "If I fail, maybe 50,000 people will fail with me."

He does not know where the fear comes from, only that it can be traced to his boyhood, when he studied harder than others so as not to look stupid. "I've never been to a psychologist," he says, and he agrees with the suggestion that a professional might cure him by taking away the edge that has taken him to the top.

What do CEOs worry about? Name it. The PricewaterhouseCoopers 10th Annual Global CEO Survey released a week ago at the World Economic Forum found their overall optimism almost twice as high as it was in 2001. More than 90% of the 1,100 CEOs surveyed predicted higher revenue in the coming year.

Sounds like reason for unprecedented euphoria. Yet 37% of those same CEOs worry about pandemics, 40% about global warming and 50% about terrorism, according to PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Quantified Marketing Group, a 50-employee restaurant consulting firm, has doubled in size for six years in a row. Surely, CEO Aaron Allen is secure. "I sometimes lie awake at night in a state of paranoid anxiety that someone is plotting against us," he says. "I still feel insecure that this growth is not enough."

Some insecurity can lead to disaster. For example, Sunday's Super Bowl could be lost if an insecure player is goaded into retaliation at the expense of a 15-yard unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty. In executives, it can lead to bullying, arrogance and mistakes no less decisive than drawing a penalty flag.

Mathew Hayward, author of Ego Check,says it's common for insecure leaders to pretend they're someone they're not. Sometimes, they take it too far. David Edmondson, once a Baptist pastor, resigned as CEO of RadioShack (RSH) a year ago for putting fictitious degrees in theology and psychology from Pacific Coast Baptist College on his résumé.

Benefits of insecurity

But while there is often harm in insecurity, there is also a brand of insecurity that spurs underdogs to success. "The insecure person will always outperform. It's that insecurity that will drive a person," Hayward says. "It's a powerful tension that you're not really good enough and the way to deal with that is to work extremely hard, get feedback and play with your strengths."

Martin Frid-Nielsen, CEO of telecommunications company SoonR, says that insecurity is an outstanding attribute in a CEO even when it is an unfortunate trait in most others. "Paranoid people often see problems long before their more complacent counterparts," he says. "A little bit of insecurity goes a long way to push a company toward perfection, especially when that insecurity resides in the CEO."

Many heart-tugging rags-to-riches stories are really no more than stories about insecure people who struggle to get into third-tier universities and then work extremely hard to climb past the Ivy Leaguers.

It doesn't take much for that insecurity to morph into something ugly, such as CEO revenge, the topic of a BusinessWeek cover story in January, or the inability of many CEOs to accept criticism, the topic of a USA TODAY cover story, also last month. Successful people, including Mike Eruzione, captain of the 1980 miracle U.S. Olympic hockey team, have wondered out loud about the fine line between successful childhood friends and those who wind up in prison.

Former General Electric (GE) CEO Jack Welch had a stammer. Charles Schwab (SCHW) is dyslexic. Even though he now owns three companies including a Chicago public relations firm, Robert Smith says he remains insecure because he is African-American. "I'll be honest. I'm insecure about people finding out that I'm black and not wanting to do business with me," says Smith, who never uses his photo on websites or promotional material.

Not all insecure CEOs come from humble beginnings. Ask Donald Trump for his short list of business advice and it includes a prenuptial agreement before marriage.

"Let paranoia reign," he told USA TODAY during the 2004 first season of The Apprentice, a reality TV show built on the insecurity of contestants who face weekly firings. "You have something others want. Don't let them take it away," Trump said.

Of course, just as many athletes are secure, so are many CEOs. "I don't come from that paradigm," says Mary Wilderotter, CEO of Fortune 1,000 company Citizens Communications. "I think (insecurity) is common in certain leaders and companies. Some have a tendency to rule more by fear than by motivation. That's usually a sign of insecurity," Wilderotter says.

"I am more motivated by challenges and the ability to make a difference," says DeWayne Nelon, CEO of Ortiva Wireless.

Mounting pressure

Every CEO enjoys a sense of accomplishment upon getting the ultimate promotion, but for most it doesn't last long. The pressure quickly mounts from customers, employees and investors, says Ciena CEO Gary Smith, who kept his job through a fiber-optics depression that caused sales of the company's core product to plummet from $1.5 billion in 2000 to $18 million in 2001.

"Healthy doses of corporate insecurity help keep a company fresh and competitive and ensure that the leadership and drive remain active," Smith says.

Few would argue that NFL coaches have reason to feel secure. They are, on average, replaced nearly every two years. CEO job security is only slightly better.

In 2005 and 2006, 132 of Fortune 500 CEOs were replaced, and the pace accelerated to 72 last year from 60 in 2005, according to executive search firm Spencer Stuart. The average age of the CEOs who left, 55, indicates that most of the exits were involuntary.

The latest departure came Wednesday when Kevin Rollins, 54, resigned as CEO of Dell(DELL), which has warned that quarterly earnings will come in below analysts' expectations.

Outplacement consultant Challenger Gray & Christmas tracks CEO turnover at smaller companies and says there were 1,478 departures in 2006, up 12% from the record 1,322 departures in 2005.

CEO compensation also gets heatedly criticized, including in last week's Democratic response to President Bush's State of the Union address, when Sen. Jim Webb, D-Va., said the typical employee works more than a year to make what their CEO makes in one day.

Jon Pritchett's world spans both business and sports. As CEO of General Sports Venue, maker of synthetic turf for athletic fields, Pritchett says there may be less reason for insecurity in sports because everyone knows the rules and the competition. Not so in business. "In many industries, the competition may be defined one day and then be vastly different the next," Pritchett says.

"Your supplier today could be your competitor tomorrow. An acquisition could eliminate a competitor, while a government regulation could create five. In a changing environment like business, I believe insecurity may be more of a driver than in sports," Pritchett says. "Not that I would want to run from 300-pound linemen for a living."

[Grunt]

Insecurity is a healthy emotion. It drives us to perform, if the self assessment is based on objective observations.

Likewise, you guys better thank your lucky stars American females are as repugnant as they are. They are what drives thinking men into the arms of high quality ladies overseas. I wont even go into the more sordid details, such as 1 in 4 TEEN GIRLS in America having ONE OR MORE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE, but suffice to say my Ukrainian wife is glad American females are so hideously inferior and pathetic.

[jamesbond]

Insecurity is a healthy emotion. It drives us to perform, if the self assessment is based on objective observations.

Likewise, you guys better thank your lucky stars American females are as repugnant as they are. They are what drives thinking men into the arms of high quality ladies overseas. I wont even go into the more sordid details, such as 1 in 4 TEEN GIRLS in America having ONE OR MORE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE, but suffice to say my Ukrainian wife is glad American females are so hideously inferior and pathetic.

Well said Grunt! It's our thoughts and emotions that keep us alive and make us want to improve ourselves. Since American women are an inferior product, we men have the option of finding quality women overseas! Just like if you go to a restaurant and don't like the food, you can look for other places to eat at and never go back to that particuliar restaurant again.

[DelphiPro]

That's true.

But the International Marriage Broker Regulation act of 2005 is making it harder to do so.

This law makes it a criminal offense for you to introduce yourself to a foreign woman without first undergoing a criminal background check and providing personal background information to be sent in a report for signed consent before you're allowed to send an introductory email or letter.

The American feminists who crafted this law are after the jugular vain.

Consider this passage:


Intimacy is a topic in need of analysis by legal scholars. The mail-order bride industry provides a useful starting point, most poignantly through the experience of the consumer-husband and his purchased bride. Males who purchase their sexual gratification embody a masculinity reflective of the desire for female subordination and passivity. But this context reveals deeper concerns about the intersection of masculinity and sexuality at large.


This is what feminist scholars are publishing in law journals at such prestigious institutions as Johns Hopkins University, Harvard, Yale and others.

Does this sound like someone who's OK with you contacting a foreigner as long as you fill out a questionnaire first? Does she (he?) sound like they're OK with you marrying a foreigner as long as you have no criminal record? Be real!

The radical feminists in this country, if they go unchecked, will make it illegal for you to answer personals ads, meet, date and marry women from other countries (at least the "developing" ones, like the Philippines, Thailand, Ukraine and others). We need to fight this law NOW, before it gets beyond our control.

14th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States:

Section 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law;

This means the government has no right to take away your privileges without probable cause that you have done something wrong. It is not illegal to date or marry a foreigner. It is not illegal to contact, though any means available, a foreigner for friendship, casual relationship, dating or marriage. It is not illegal to marry someone above the legal marrying age regardless of your own age or demographic!

Feminists have no right to pass a law that is based on their own personal distaste of your lifestyle.

If you want to fight this law, you can go to

http://www.online-dating-rights.com
http://www.imbra.org/
http://usaimmigrationattorney.com/nucleus/

and sign this petition:
http://usaimmigrationattorney.com/Purpo ... ition.html

[Grunt]

Deal with dating agencies based in Canada or other country of your choice. Problem solved. Adapt. Improvise. Overcome. The whole vawa thing is nothing more then the last feeble gasp of radical feminism.

[momopi]

Consider this passage:

Intimacy is a topic in need of analysis by legal scholars. The mail-order bride industry provides a useful starting point, most poignantly through the experience of the consumer-husband and his purchased bride. Males who purchase their sexual gratification embody a masculinity reflective of the desire for female subordination and passivity. But this context reveals deeper concerns about the intersection of masculinity and sexuality at large.

We have web sites here in the US where rich men advertise themselves as sugar daddy for young women. It's "consumer boyfriend" and "purchased girlfriend" (or vice versa for sugar mommy):

http://www.sugardaddyforme.com/
http://www.seekingarrangement.com/

Or, skipping the whole relationship bit and going directly to sex:
http://www.cityvibe.com/


They're more worried about submissive mail order brides than independent American women renting themselves out for sex? LoL.

Interesting read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_feminism