Loneliness is deeper than lack of company

[mattyman]

Loneliness isn't always obvious and visible. To relieve loneliness it is more than a question just being surrounded by other people. Loneliness is caused by lack of a sense of INTIMACY; emotional, psychological and intellectual. To relieve loneliness, it's more about QUALITY and being with people on the same wavelength and with company that you enjoy. The worst type of loneliness in my opinion is that suffered by someone who on the surface appears to have an active social life, but is lacking the deeper things, such as having things in common, being on the same wavelength and not being able to have those sorts of conversations where one loses track of the time.

The barriers to identifying this form of loneliness
What about lacking those things with people of the opposite sex, even on a platonic level? I think it's fair to argue that having people whom you feel able to be yourself around of the opposite sex is better than not having any at all. I think it's even fairer to argue that having female friends who are attractive and who you can have those sorts of conversations with relieves loneliness even more. There's a catch; one is not allowed to say specifically that they are lacking that form of company from the opposite sex, or god forbid, someone attractive of the opposite sex. To do so would open them up to accusations of being entitled, shouted down

I have discovered due to recent company I was hanging out with, and bringing up the topic of being single, that a lot of men lack that meaningful female company. It's no surprise that so many guy's lifestyles consist of working & escaping at the weekend consuming vast quantities of drink. What's more shocking is that so many people feel trapped and powerless in changing their circumstances for the better. This form of loneliness; lack of meaningful companionship with the opposite sex, is a form of loneliness that's invisible, that's not obvious. To make matters even worse, there's the old English stiff upper lip, 'silent is being strong' trope; it's not manly or macho to admit that you're lacking such a fundamental need. Many won't admit to such loneliness until they develop depression or alcohol addiction, which they would admit to first, before admitting to the underlying loneliness that caused it in the first place. I think that this is not right, things need to change, there needs to be a climate of openness.

[Winston]

Yes this is true. I noticed the same thing and have mentioned it in my articles before. Loneliness is not about lack of friends or company. It's also about being in a culture or environment that you connect with. For example, nature lovers will tell you that when they are out in nature alone, they NEVER feel lonely and feel at one with nature. The famous naturalist John Muir mentioned this in his poems and memoirs, and so did the actress Audrey Hepburn. Yet ironically, if you are in a crowd of thousands of people and they are all ignoring you, then you will feel lonely and alienated.

Also if you are in a culture that fits your personality and soul, you will feel a natural connection and completeness that won't allow you to be lonely too. For example, in Russia and Eastern Europe, I could walk around alone and NEVER feel lonely. Because I knew that people were not exclusive and gave me lots of attention already. People were very open, not repressed, and so was I. Hence it created a synergy where I could not be lonely, even if I was sitting alone in a cafe or walking alone.

In contrast, in USA and Taiwan, I could be around thousands of people and feel very lonely and isolated, because they all ignored me of course and don't want to meet me. But not only that, I have nothing in common with them and am not fake or repressed or exclusive or closed minded or cliquish. When you are around people who are NOT OPEN to meeting new people or making new friends, it gets awfully lonely, especially if you are the opposite. As for me, I am definitely OPEN to meeting new people and making new friends and talking to strangers, thus when I am around hordes of people that are NOT, I feel isolated and lonely and alienated, naturally, because I'm around people of a very different wavelength. Both Taiwan and USA have this in common, which is why I hate going out in those countries. So sometimes, East and West can be very similar if you are in antisocial, socially closed, cliquish environments and people.

[Winston]

I wrote a blog article on this topic.

Why social isolation is due to lack of soul, not just friends

http://blog.happierabroad.com/2013/10/w ... ck-of.html

[chanta76]

It's the modern world really. You see this in South Korea, Japan USA and developed nation really. It's like they lost touch of humanity to focus on making money or something.

Superficiality and materialism is the new norm. Social media doesn't help much cause all that cause is narcissism for some folks.

I think people who live in the modern world needs to either find some small group where there is common ground or find something that can make you feel livable in that society.

[Eric]

I agree. Its the modern world and there are so many dysfunctions that came with the dissolving of the family...existing problems that are already here.

And media confusing everyone and pushing deviancy and false lies. The world's in a terrible state of dysfunction.

[mattyman]

Thanks all, for the moment, there's two things I want to cover, the note I was on originally, and the note Winston brought up.

#1
Winston, this stood out;

When you are around people who are NOT OPEN to meeting new people or making new friends, it gets awfully lonely, especially if you are the opposite. As for me, I am definitely OPEN to meeting new people and making new friends and talking to strangers, thus when I am around hordes of people that are NOT, I feel isolated and lonely and alienated, naturally, because I'm around people of a very different wavelength.

My social environment is just like that. It can feel isolating if you're not with people you have a lot in common with and don't strike a chord with. Take for example, from my experience, the international work camps I've been to and couchsurfing meets I've been to, and even salsa classes locally, I've had a far easier time finding that quality of conversation where one loses track of the time and not even having the desire to drink more. Now that I've been home, people of that wavelength have been an impossibility to meet.

#2
The other thing of importance regarding quality company, is quality company with girls. It's somewhat OK to say that you are not satisfied with the quality of company you have, or to say what you'd like to be different, but you cannot specifically say that you'd prefer female company. Even more so, attractive women.

[Yohan]

It's the modern world really. You see this in South Korea, Japan, USA and developed nation really. It's like they lost touch of humanity to focus on making money or something.

I think many parts in Europe are even worse.

In Asia and USA, at least even during night time and holidays shops are open and streets are bright, but in Europe all is dark and all is closed on Sunday and public holidays. Also feminism and Catholicism have to be blamed for that.

it is very difficult to meet people for any personal contact in Europe. I was lucky to move out of Europe and never came back.

[Adama]

So it's not even about women. It's about the constant need for attention and validation of any kind.

For me though, I really don't need to have someone's validation of my opinions. Whether or not someone wants to have a conversation with me for hours with me, it's fine by me. I don't need them to agree with me, and I don't need them to reinforce what I believe.

Most of your thoughts probably need to be kept to yourself anyway. You can't just go around sharing every wild idea you have. You'll find that most people won't agree anyway.

Maybe you just need to stop seeking validation from other people.

[Moretorque]

I like being alone that is why I am the way I am, I get along with about 1 in 10 or 8 or so.

I goes like this, if you are not aware a group of people are twisting the truth inside out with their mind control system in modern culture with technics they have developed by having unlimited counterfeit bills your a fuc king moron!

[Maverick]

I guess it really depends on what you're looking for.

I don't get lonely and can spend several hours and days alone without any issue.

The only reason why I'm still dating (or trying to date) is because I'd like to have children and give them a good home. If didn't want children, I wouldn't even bother with women, to be completely honest.

[jamesbond]

It's the modern world really. You see this in South Korea, Japan USA and developed nation really. It's like they lost touch of humanity to focus on making money or something.

Superficiality and materialism is the new norm. Social media doesn't help much cause all that cause is narcissism for some folks.

I think people who live in the modern world needs to either find some small group where there is common ground or find something that can make you feel livable in that society.

The most lonely people seem to live in the wealthiest countries (USA, Japan, Canada, Australia, UK, etc.). You don't see a lot of lonely people in the poor countries, I guess because they place more of an emphasis on socializing with others.

In america, people place a great importance on working and making money, not on socializing with others.

[Moretorque]

I guess it really depends on what you're looking for.

If didn't want children, I wouldn't even bother with women, to be completely honest.

there IN LIES THE PROBLEM. If you want immortality you need a bitch....

[Winston]

mattyman wrote a post about loneliness and how it affects one's confidence in his blog.

https://neverinsilence.wordpress.com/20 ... oneliness/

[statnerd]

So it's not even about women. It's about the constant need for attention and validation of any kind.

For me though, I really don't need to have someone's validation of my opinions. Whether or not someone wants to have a conversation with me for hours with me, it's fine by me. I don't need them to agree with me, and I don't need them to reinforce what I believe.

Most of your thoughts probably need to be kept to yourself anyway. You can't just go around sharing every wild idea you have. You'll find that most people won't agree anyway.

Maybe you just need to stop seeking validation from other people.

Exactly. I don't particularly care about other people's opinions or what they think of me.

I don't engage in conversations with strangers mainly because I don't care what they have to say.

Most people just get on my nerves anyway, so I tend to keep to myself.

Being comfortable in your own skin is incredibly liberating.

[El_Caudillo]

Loneliness is also about a lack of personal development. Once we get older it's harder to meet people and exhausting to be out and about all the time. You need to have interests which can sustain you and cause you to corespondent (or ideally meet up with) like minded individuals. If your inner world is not more than watching sport and reading about popular culture, indeed one day you will be lonely when you see through the repetitive and unfulfilling formulas which drive these things.